On A Mission to Find My Sparkle

So...Ive been heavy my whole life. And Ive been uncomfortable with it my whole life. But Ive always comforted myself with the fact that at least I had a spark behind my eyes and a genuine smile. Since the loss of Mike that spark is gone. The smile is fake. Now I feel like Im just a blob of fat without being able to say.."but I have spark." So...I gotta get that spark back.

One of my favorite pics I have of myself is actually a topless pic. Not to be graphic but in the pic Im over 200 pounds, probably 207-210 range so by far not small, only about 20 pounds smaller than I am right now. But what I like about it is that I actually have confidence behind my eyes. It was a picture Mike took one day when we were playing around, oddly enough, NOT even sexually, I just happened to be topless. I was just that comfortable with him. I want to be that comfortable again. I want that spark back. I want to be able to be happy without him. I was happy before I met him, I want to be able to be happy again.

Im finding I have a love/hate relationship with Adipex. While it works while its in my system, I crash from it hard and get more hungry than if I had never taken it before. And while the dry mouth is HORRIBLE, it does make me drink more water-but then Im in the bathroom every 5 minutes.

I had a big talk with my dad tonight. Dad has struggled with his weight all of his life too. His highest weight has ever been 212. Embarassing mine has been 232. His advice to me was pretty simple. Just keep trying. I hate myself for failing but there is nothing else to do besides keep trying. I dont really know what to write about because thats all I can do is keep trying. I havent really been trying. I dont really have a plan. Every time I have a plan I fail. My only plan right now is to quit sabotaging myself so hard core and to try to get back to the happy girl I was before I met Mike. I just dont know how to get back to her. But I know its NOT on the couch watching House all day long. So what Im going to do instead is a question mark. Working 3rds is a pain in the ass because I can stay busy until about 11pm then everyone wants to go to bed then Im up writing boring uninspired blogs cause I have nothing else to do for the rest of the night then I sleep through the day when people are up because I work tomorrow night!!! Grrrr

Onederland. 30 pounds. Next Drs appointment is in 17 days. Ive had so many unrealistic goals and so many failures I dont know what is an appropriate goal anymore. This break up has just fucked me up so much in all aspects of life I cant think straight. Ive gotta snap out of it!!! I have been sabataging myself so long. 30 pounds into Onderland seems so much and so little all at the same time. I think its the Topamax right now fucking with my frontal lobes. Thats right. I wanna lose wieght so much I take 100mg of Topamax a day but I dont lay off the carbs and get off the couch??? Odd.

And I just keep writing. Because Im speeding on Adipex...My brain is foggy on Topamax...and its 120am and Im wide awake with thirdshiftitis. I have nothing to say, no plan, no witty comments or pictures. But I do know I am going to do this. I am going to find my spark. I dont know HOW and for the 1st time Im going about it without a set plan. And I think thats OK. Because whats having a plan ever gotten me? 30 pounds heavier is what it has gotten me.

Im gonna do this. Im gonna find my spark again. Im going to lose this weight. Im going to be happy again. Im going to find someone who loves me as is. There ARE people out there who can love a heavy girl. Almost every blogger I read is involved in a romantic relationship. Mike loved me. It just didnt work.

I wish I knew what to do for the next 7 hours. Ugh 3rd shift sucks on my nights off. Too bad Im obsessed with my house being cleaned or I would clean but its already clean! Guess Ill start reading all your blogs!!!

XOXO
Lauren Ashli

If God Will Bring you to it...God Will Bring You Through It...

Im not really sure how many of you use faith, prayer, meditation...etc to get you through the bad days. I have always considered myself a faithful person, but not a religious person. I believe in God and have a personal relationship with Jesus and it helps me daily. But I dont go to church on Sundays or read the bible daily. I am sometimes convicted of this and other times I dont think about it at all. But while all my lifestyle choices may not be to God's liking, I do have faith in his promises.

And I say that to say this...I dont want to be a big negative Blogger so sometimes I stay off the scene when Im discouraged. And Ive been feeling discouraged a lot latley. No one likes a whiney Blogger. It just begs the question...."then why dont you DO something about it?!?!?"

But thats the thing I realized. I AM doing something about it. Its weird because in these months as I await approval from my insurance and I patronize the 6 month waiting period and feel like an asshole everytime I have a "Supervised weight loss" sesion, I have gained a ton of weight. And other things are going too. My highlights are getting white trash...my nails are grown out beyond belief. I have essentially NO color to me. I still havent unpacked from Arizona/Vegas. And as far as weight goes, Im pretty much on the anti-diet. I dont know if Im trying to "save up" good food or what. I dont know if my heart is broken so bad over Mike I just eat everything in site to compensate. I know Ive ALWAYS been heavy and its been almost 10 yrs Ive battled weight between 200 and 220. but Im not close to going over 230. And thats AFTER I decided to get the Lap Band. You would THINK one would put more of an effort into weight loss if they were going to get surgery!!! Did this happen to ANY one else???

As far as Mike goes I know I told everyone he was coming over so I feel I have to update you on that although there is not much I can talk about without sobbing so Ill try to make it short and sweet. He came over and for about 3 days we thought we could make it. We thought we would figure out a way around our main problem and just MAKE it work...thats what people in love do, right? But as the days went on we realized that is never going to happen. And right or wrong, he is too scared to change what needs to be done so we can be together. We cried for 4 days straight trying to get it together, trying to face that we were going to be without each other again because we cant be just friends so its almost an all or nothing. He actually landed himself in the ER with an anxiety attack when talking about it he became sweaty, clamming, heart rate of 130 and Blood pressure of 167/113. So...I know the man loves me and wants to make me happy...he does so much just to see me smile. But its taking a physical toll on his beautiful heart. I just dont think he is IN love with me anymore or he would do what needs to be done and we would figure out the details of the drama that would ensue as a result of that as they came along. I thought the break up was hard but seeing him go to the ER and sneaking in the system later and reading the report of how he felt was just heartbreaking. I thought breaking up was hard but physically watching a man who used to be SO in love with you just fall out of love with you-yet still TRY to love you and make you happy-is the hardest thing ever. He did everything right, but I could tell his heart wasnt in it anymore. He was doing it all for me, and not for him too. I physically WATCHED him go from being head over heels in love with me to just...loving me. And thats NOT going to motivate him to do what he needs to do.

I couldnt walk away though. I knew how horrible these last 2 months without him were and I wasnt about to inflict that type of pain on MYSELF like I did last time breaking up with him. So he walked out the door.

And the pain is incredible all over again but Im leaning on God to get me though. And I have faith he will. But I see some dark days in the near future. If any of you have faith please put me on your prayer list just for me not to lose hope. I know when you lose hope its the worst and I fear thats why Ive let myself TOTALLY go instead of just my weight. Like ive lost hope for Mike and I know I will never find a man who can complete me like he did so..all is lost in a way. What a Negative Nancy, I know.

And I KNOW I need to get motivated. I know it. I just dont know how. My only source of comfort right now is being lazy, watching House on my DVR with my faithful rice pack, and eating bad food. Being productive with a broken heart is hard. So hard. I just wanna baby myself right now. My brother wants to go have lunch and I hardly ever SEE my brother. But the thought of putting on make up and getting into jeans that are too tight and out of my yoga pants just does NOT seem cool right now.

WHAT A WHINER!!! Ugghhh...I hate when I sound all whiney. Even in my own blog where I am supposed to put my innermost thoughts and feelings I still beat myself up for feeling this way and admitting even to myself how lazy I can be.

So in struggling with laziness and heartache, maybe you guys have some personal stories. HOW did you get OUT of your stretchy forgiving yoga pants, OFF the couch, and back IN to life prior to surgery???

Love you guys! Ill try to post more frequently now with less bitching but it may be awhile. I tend to hold on to heartbreak longer than others for some dumb reason.

XOXO
Lauren Ashli

Cupid Must've been Drunk and Forgot me Yesterday

So...Valentines Day wasnt too horribly bad. After an almost 8 week hiatus of cold turkey no talking I gave in and txt Mike. I made it through Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve, my BIRTHDAY (for Gods sake!), and every single day in between I was strong, but on Valentine's Day, I break. Lol

I sent the sweetest most heartfelt 3 sentences in the history of litterature and recieved this reply: "Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetie."

Ugh.

And then the tears came. But they stopped pretty quickly because I had shiz to do. I had a Valentine's Party planned for work. We didnt have too many patients so a lot of the nurses got to stay home on low census, but the 5 of us who were there managed to REALLY get into the Valentines mood after I forced every one to start making Valentines Day cards. And the dress code I envoked that everyone hated, well, they ended up loving it.

People should trust me more.
Haha

I love these girls :)

Me and My Work BFFL Super Jen

Yummies

So theres a little sample. I do love Valentines Day. And I love all you!
Cant wait to read about all of your Valentines Days
XOXO
Lauren Ashli

Sooooo...

Mike is coming over in the morning.
Yup.

I Wont Be Bitter on Valentines Day...I Wont be Bitter on Valentines Day...I Wont be...Aw, F*ck it-Im a Little Bitter.

Hey Married Blogger friends!!!
I wouldnt read this blog unless you remember what it is like to be single on Valentines Day.

Actually, being single on Valentines Day isnt too bad at all. Ive been single on and off for most of my 20's. Ive been coupled up and single for Valentines Days and none of them have been too eventful. Then again, I'd never been in love before. So now, a Valentines Day "single" is not my problem. A Valentine's Day specifically without Mike is my problem. And...Im sure you are all sick of hearing about him. But Id get used to it. I dont see myself getting over this for quite a bit.


I actually LOOVEEE Valentine's Day. I am the QUEEN of pink and sparkle and hearts and love. Even single Ill plan dinners and drinks and cute outfits and give Valentines to every one I know. And this year I decided would be NO EXCEPTION. So Mike is gone...but life still goes on. So I planned the biggest, bestest, sparliest Valentine's Party my work girls has ever seen. I bough an obnoxious amount of Valentine's candy and decorations and was a control freak and gave all the girls a strict pink and heart dress code (which they hate, but they will do it for me. Love em.)

So here's the thing. I am a night shift Labor/Delivery nurse. Tonight I was "floated" over to the Pediatrics unit. I have a pretty easy assignment, just two babies with pnumonia. I didnt get any daytime sleep today in preperation of my 12 hour (7p-7a) shift so I expected to to fighting sleep the whole time. Instead of sleeping I spent a fun day with the new roomie shopping and cooking for my awesome Valentine's Day party at work tomorrow. But Im NOT fighting sleep. Im up...wide awake. With an anxiety stomach ache.

Im trying SO hard to not be a bitter Debbie Downer this Valentines Day. Im trying to not be that single girl who hates VDay. I LOVE IT. And Im more ANXIOUS than sad. I know Im not going to hear from Mike. I know Im not. I dont know why Im so anxious. But I know Im not going to get any sleep today. Whats with the anxiety? Shouldnt I just be SAD???

I dont know. I kinda wanna take a bath with my blowdryer rather than be without him today.

I know I have to get used to it and hopefully I get some credit for being a sparkly princess and throwing a party and making Vday cards for everyone...but this anxiety is really annoying me. I need a Valium or something. Good thing I work with all these Doctors. Lol.

Despite all that I hope all you married up people have a great VDay. Take this day to look at the man snoring next to you in bed and hold him so close. Fight the urge to be annoyed with him. Because there are some people, who as they remind you to hold him tight, are tearing up remembering when they used to hold the one they love and now they are nothing but a faint memory.

Happy VDAY everyone <3
XOXOXOXO
Lauren Ashli

Onederland...I Can Almost SMELL You!!!!

Onederland...A new term Ive learned since looking into Lap Band surgery.

I realize some people REALLY hate this term. For some reason, I actually kind of like it. It kind of motivates me. Funny thing though is that I am at my highest weight ever. I wish I had heard this saying when I was hovering in the 205-215 region.

Weight loss is such an odd psychological mind fuck. I am sitting at a number some bloggers I read call a goal (230). I read about people above 250 or 300 and they are so excited when they get down to 230 and I am so excited FOR them!!! So why then, cant I be happy with myself and begin losing weight? I mean, come on. 31 pounds to get into Onederland??? THATS NOT THAT MUCH! I look at what my fellow bloggers are doing and accomplishing to get into Onderland and they have a higher mountain than me. And they are doing FABULOUS! Again, maybe its because I dont have the band yet and I only started LOOKING at surgery because I cant (Dont) lose it on my own but really, in the grand scheme of things, 31 pounds is NOT that high of a mountain compared to a lot of other people.

And what really annoys me is this is the highest I have ever been. Last year at 207, it was only 8 pounds into Onederland...and I wasnt even dieting then! I was happy and in love and Mike loved me how I was and I was just...happy and living in the moment. And maybe thats key. Everyone's blogs I read they are way happy and in love and have children...Now I dont want kids! But a more settled down life with someone I love Ive been waiting for since I got out of the womb.

But really, Im very interesting in the psychology of weight loss. I OBSESS about my weight and clothes and health...OBSESS each and every hour of the day. Yet-I litterally do nothing to change it. In fact, as I sit here now I am contemplating what to eat for dinner because I havent ate all day. I kill my metabolism by being too busy or sleeping from working thirds...then I eat a huge meal. I dont get my water in. I never exercise. Even a small intervention like eating more through the day, a little more activity, drinking my water...Just ONE of those would drop some pounds. Imagine if I put my all in this and actually did it ALL? Cut all the carbs and sugar down to a minimum, drank my water, and worked out 3-4 times a week? Id be unstoppable. So why then, my dear Blogger friends, Is it that we obsess all day long to the point of writing a weight loss blog while eating Holiday Nerds and drinking Sunkist??? Nicole...Girl...i really hope you are right about the band helping because Im starting to feel like if I have no control without the band, I may be one of those assholes everyone is asking, "Um...Didnt you get weight loss surgery???"

On a different note, I was thinking about other goals of mine. Clearly, the "get Mike back" goal isnt going anywhere because I keep telling myself I broke up with him for a REASON. And it was a DAMN good reason. Its a something he can fix, not something he DID per se. Its a non-negotiable in my book. And he knows what it is. And its up to him. I refuse to pressure him. We've talked about it at so much length and I did all I could to deal with it and put up with everything and the only thing I like about our break up is I can honestly tell myself I did everything I could before walking away so the tears I cry every night are not my own doing like my weight is. Im just mourning the loss of an amazing man and the love of my life. So as far as goals go...I cant DO anything...he knows what he needs to change for us to be together and until he decides its worth it, all I can do is wait for him to show up on my doorstep and tell me he did it and he loves me and we can move on.

Or I can attempt to move on. Dont get me wrong, Im not waiting on Mike. I wouldnt be opposed to dating if someone ASKED. Back in the day, pre-Mike I ventured into online dating for a bit. It was interesting that I developed a handful of relationships in the two years I tried that, all non-fullfilling and short lived. But I met Mike in my real life. Hmmm. Its also interesting that all my goals tie into my weight. I thought about giving theonline dating thing a try again, if only just for a DISTRACTION. Not to fall in love but to have some fun. So I can get pretty and go out and have male company on a Friday night instead of sitting at home writing a blog, deciding what to eat, cleaning, and crying about Mike. Option one sounds much better. And if I meet someone special, thats just a bonus.

Yet it all comes back to weight. Im was scared my weight would be a deal-breaker when I was 205-210ish! Now Im 230! I have to be honest, a short man is a deal-breaker for me. Anything under 5-8 and I skip it totally. So I cant be upset if my weight is a deal breaker for them. Now...is weight a stat on Eharmony? No...And do I put real full-length recent pictures up? YES! However, this sounds weird, but Im scared I look better in pics that I do in person. For example, my last blog. I had a pic standing up and a pic sitting down. It looked like two different people!
Here is my most recent full-length from vacation 2 weeks ago in the mountains of Sedona.

Not too bad, but it does wonders what a hip twist will do for you. And pics can be so decieving! I am terrified of that look of disappointment on their face when they thought they were meeting the cute chubby chick from the pics and they end up meeting a whale! And maybe Im too hard on myself. Maybe we ALL have this weird body dysmorphic syndrome. Im not picking on myself, just being realistic to what I see in the mirror and pics that I HAVENT put a cute angle on or taken with my "good side."
Look at this horrible pic taken around the same time for my bday. I weight the EXACT same but the girl in this pic looks 50 pounds heavier!!!

So what do I DO??? Post the pics where I look giant and date the guy who contacts me "anyways"? Post the good pics and hope they are representaive to what I look like? My body image is so distorted I have no clue. THEN, I always worry about the guys who try to date fat chicks just because they think we "put out" easier. I know...easy solution-dont put out. But try telling that to a girl who rarley gets laid...and lovveesss sex, its not so super easy to just keep things platonic. Especially once the wine starts flowin ;)

Or, we have this 2/3rds pic where I smushed all my fat against the wall, haha

But I said all that to day this. Goal of getting over Mike or dating again somehow ive convinced myself cant be accomplished until I hit Onederland.

2nd goal-Buy a new Mustang. Thats not really a goal as much as waiting until Spring because no car payment is fun for now and I cant drive it in the snow anyways. But lets face it, my car was HOT...and it needs a hot momma driver behind the wheel. I feel like I have no reason to buy one until Im in Onederland! WHAT the H-E-L-L??? WHERE is that mentality coming from??? I knowyou guys are gonna call me crazy and I can do anything now that I can do 31 pounds from now, yet its a STRONG mentality I havent been able to break. Any one else suffer from this?

Next-Travel Nursing. Well, I have two things that keep me from this. 1st of all, I owe a 10 yr time commitment or 40k tuition reimbusement to the hospital I work at to have the freedom to travel. But lets say i worked all the money out. Traveling requires A LOT of confidence. Confidence in yourself and confidence in your skills. You have to be a people person and make friends easily. I do NOT make friends easily. Which is odd because I am the friendliest person in the world. Now...if someone reaches out to ME we will be BFF's in no time. I just am SO painfully shy, some people think Im stuck up or prefer to fly solo. And thats so not the case. Im damn near co-dependant on my friends and co-workers! Lol. God I love those girls. I feel like I need more confidence to make friends and in the feild I am in, labor/delivery, things can go to hell in a handbasket QUICK with the single grip of a cord and that baby needs out NOW and it takes teamwork like MAD. Thats why all of us are so close. We are LITTERALLY each other's lifelines!

Yet since I cant take MYSELF seriously cause my self esteem has been CRUSHED by repetedly failing at my goals of losing weight, I cant seem to believe doctors or co-workers in a new and ever-changing setting will take me seriously. So I need to lose weight to do that.

Speaking of making friends, I started following the BOOBS blog. It sounds like a total blast! Yet I get nervous doing things like that on my own because I just dont make friends easily! And I have no clue why! Im totally interested in meeting all of you and spending a weekend shopping and drinking and partying in Chi-Town! Its one of my favorite places and only 3 hours from home! Yet I get nervous about going into the situation not knowing anyone...anyone wanna be my BOOBs Buddy??? Lol

AND ITS ONLY 31 POUNDS!!! Holy crap! We arent talking 100 plus here!!! Will I be HAPPY at 199? Oh hell no. But Ill feel like Im a decent enough size to start dating again, hot enough to drive my dream car again, and confident enough to start traveling again. Its only 31 pounds for Gods sake. SO WHY THEN, WHY, I ASK YOU do I gain every day instead of lose? Why arent I even trying??? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM???

Okay ladies...If you made it this far, congrats. I cant believe it. Its just my babbling getting things out. I have loved reading your blogs and am learning SO much. I never knew people struggled like I do!!! You girls are amazing.

Much Love!!!
XOXOXO
Lauren Ashli

Wait...Did these Seats Get Smaller???

Okay guys...Sorry about the last pity party post. I have never, in my life, been so excited to start my period. God played an interesting game when he made me because he didnt give me horrible period cramps or back aches or bloating or acne or any of those other symptoms most women complain about when they are PMSing...But MAN, he gave me tears. Ive actually cried over a Pizza King commercial when I was 2 days pre=period before. Usually when I get over emotional I know its coming but the birthday vacay threw my dates off so I thought my Mike pity party was real. And it WAS, I do miss him so much and deal with a lot of hurt and confusion daily, but that sadness was EPIC. Im back to normal now.

On with life...So, I went to Vegas for my birthday. Actually, flew into Phoenix so we could take the sweet drive up the Red Rock mountains through Sedona and Flagstaff on to Vegas. Im an avid traveler and have always fit in a plane seat just fine. Yes, I have to unravel my belt the whole way, and the sides are tight, but not too bad. Well the FIRST thing I noticed about this flight is the sides PINCHED me! I almost didnt fit! Also, as I started to buckle the belt and was praying I didnt need an extender, it took an act of God to get the thing buckled. THAT was embarrassing. Now, only to myself, because I didnt end up needing assisitance, but man...that was the OPPOSITE of a NSV.

Pushing 230 I am at the highest weight of my life. I have never been "skinny" and havent been under 200 in years but something about that extra 20 pounds on a girl 5'1 makes SUCH a difference.

Before the vacation I made a quick trip to Michigan to a baby shower. Despite all the wieght I thought I managed to get it together and look decent at least. Not good, but at least not like a slob. My Michigan friends are so pretty and perfect and from the mold I wish I never had to leave. In fact, I blame a lot of my wieght gain on the major depression I went through when my dad moved a happy well-adjusted girl to another state at the prime of her life.

Has anyone else noticed a MAJOR difference between standing up and sitting down??? Here is me at the shower from the front view.

Not TOO super bad though...Kinda makes you think...Oh, who is that chubby chick? She looks okay if she would lose some weight, but not too bad.

Well, then I stumbled on THIS picture. Granted, it was a picture of the entire room and I just happened to see myself in the pic and crop myself out. But when I did, I actually cried.
Here we go.

And that would be....me???
Ugh. Yes. Sitting down I litterally look like a beached whale.

So, has anyone else been to the point where they got TWO good reality checks in one week, but STILL didnt do anything about their weight? I ead everyone else's blogs and they are doing SO good and they have all these little tips and tricks. Now, granted, most everyone I read already HAS the band, but with the band being a tool, not a magic wand, Im scared if I cant lose weight withOUT the band...how am I going to lose weight WITH it??? Im not doing anything good for myself right now and I dont know why. I cry about my weight yet its the ONE thing I can control and I DONT. Why not??????

Did anyone else continue to comfort themselves with food, no exercise, and Diet Coke galore all while crying about their weight??? Lol.

Food and Sleep are comfort for the pain...Exercise makes me wanna die. However, there are dozens of remedies for these excuses. I just need to be strong and push through. Where does this strength come from? Does it just COME one day???

Oh well, we'll see what happens. Thanks for listening to me bitch.
XOXO
Lauren Ashli