Tuesday, March 8, 2011

On A Mission to Find My Sparkle

So...Ive been heavy my whole life. And Ive been uncomfortable with it my whole life. But Ive always comforted myself with the fact that at least I had a spark behind my eyes and a genuine smile. Since the loss of Mike that spark is gone. The smile is fake. Now I feel like Im just a blob of fat without being able to say.."but I have spark." So...I gotta get that spark back.

One of my favorite pics I have of myself is actually a topless pic. Not to be graphic but in the pic Im over 200 pounds, probably 207-210 range so by far not small, only about 20 pounds smaller than I am right now. But what I like about it is that I actually have confidence behind my eyes. It was a picture Mike took one day when we were playing around, oddly enough, NOT even sexually, I just happened to be topless. I was just that comfortable with him. I want to be that comfortable again. I want that spark back. I want to be able to be happy without him. I was happy before I met him, I want to be able to be happy again.
Im finding I have a love/hate relationship with Adipex. While it works while its in my system, I crash from it hard and get more hungry than if I had never taken it before. And while the dry mouth is HORRIBLE, it does make me drink more water-but then Im in the bathroom every 5 minutes.

I had a big talk with my dad tonight. Dad has struggled with his weight all of his life too. His highest weight has ever been 212. Embarassing mine has been 232. His advice to me was pretty simple. Just keep trying. I hate myself for failing but there is nothing else to do besides keep trying. I dont really know what to write about because thats all I can do is keep trying. I havent really been trying. I dont really have a plan. Every time I have a plan I fail. My only plan right now is to quit sabotaging myself so hard core and to try to get back to the happy girl I was before I met Mike. I just dont know how to get back to her. But I know its NOT on the couch watching House all day long. So what Im going to do instead is a question mark. Working 3rds is a pain in the ass because I can stay busy until about 11pm then everyone wants to go to bed then Im up writing boring uninspired blogs cause I have nothing else to do for the rest of the night then I sleep through the day when people are up because I work tomorrow night!!! Grrrr

Onederland. 30 pounds. Next Drs appointment is in 17 days. Ive had so many unrealistic goals and so many failures I dont know what is an appropriate goal anymore. This break up has just fucked me up so much in all aspects of life I cant think straight. Ive gotta snap out of it!!! I have been sabataging myself so long. 30 pounds into Onderland seems so much and so little all at the same time. I think its the Topamax right now fucking with my frontal lobes. Thats right. I wanna lose wieght so much I take 100mg of Topamax a day but I dont lay off the carbs and get off the couch??? Odd.

And I just keep writing. Because Im speeding on Adipex...My brain is foggy on Topamax...and its 120am and Im wide awake with thirdshiftitis. I have nothing to say, no plan, no witty comments or pictures. But I do know I am going to do this. I am going to find my spark. I dont know HOW and for the 1st time Im going about it without a set plan. And I think thats OK. Because whats having a plan ever gotten me? 30 pounds heavier is what it has gotten me.

Im gonna do this. Im gonna find my spark again. Im going to lose this weight. Im going to be happy again. Im going to find someone who loves me as is. There ARE people out there who can love a heavy girl. Almost every blogger I read is involved in a romantic relationship. Mike loved me. It just didnt work.

I wish I knew what to do for the next 7 hours. Ugh 3rd shift sucks on my nights off. Too bad Im obsessed with my house being cleaned or I would clean but its already clean! Guess Ill start reading all your blogs!!!

Lauren Ashli

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

If God Will Bring you to it...God Will Bring You Through It...

Im not really sure how many of you use faith, prayer, meditation...etc to get you through the bad days. I have always considered myself a faithful person, but not a religious person. I believe in God and have a personal relationship with Jesus and it helps me daily. But I dont go to church on Sundays or read the bible daily. I am sometimes convicted of this and other times I dont think about it at all. But while all my lifestyle choices may not be to God's liking, I do have faith in his promises.

And I say that to say this...I dont want to be a big negative Blogger so sometimes I stay off the scene when Im discouraged. And Ive been feeling discouraged a lot latley. No one likes a whiney Blogger. It just begs the question...."then why dont you DO something about it?!?!?"

But thats the thing I realized. I AM doing something about it. Its weird because in these months as I await approval from my insurance and I patronize the 6 month waiting period and feel like an asshole everytime I have a "Supervised weight loss" sesion, I have gained a ton of weight. And other things are going too. My highlights are getting white trash...my nails are grown out beyond belief. I have essentially NO color to me. I still havent unpacked from Arizona/Vegas. And as far as weight goes, Im pretty much on the anti-diet. I dont know if Im trying to "save up" good food or what. I dont know if my heart is broken so bad over Mike I just eat everything in site to compensate. I know Ive ALWAYS been heavy and its been almost 10 yrs Ive battled weight between 200 and 220. but Im not close to going over 230. And thats AFTER I decided to get the Lap Band. You would THINK one would put more of an effort into weight loss if they were going to get surgery!!! Did this happen to ANY one else???

As far as Mike goes I know I told everyone he was coming over so I feel I have to update you on that although there is not much I can talk about without sobbing so Ill try to make it short and sweet. He came over and for about 3 days we thought we could make it. We thought we would figure out a way around our main problem and just MAKE it work...thats what people in love do, right? But as the days went on we realized that is never going to happen. And right or wrong, he is too scared to change what needs to be done so we can be together. We cried for 4 days straight trying to get it together, trying to face that we were going to be without each other again because we cant be just friends so its almost an all or nothing. He actually landed himself in the ER with an anxiety attack when talking about it he became sweaty, clamming, heart rate of 130 and Blood pressure of 167/113. So...I know the man loves me and wants to make me happy...he does so much just to see me smile. But its taking a physical toll on his beautiful heart. I just dont think he is IN love with me anymore or he would do what needs to be done and we would figure out the details of the drama that would ensue as a result of that as they came along. I thought the break up was hard but seeing him go to the ER and sneaking in the system later and reading the report of how he felt was just heartbreaking. I thought breaking up was hard but physically watching a man who used to be SO in love with you just fall out of love with you-yet still TRY to love you and make you happy-is the hardest thing ever. He did everything right, but I could tell his heart wasnt in it anymore. He was doing it all for me, and not for him too. I physically WATCHED him go from being head over heels in love with me to just...loving me. And thats NOT going to motivate him to do what he needs to do.

I couldnt walk away though. I knew how horrible these last 2 months without him were and I wasnt about to inflict that type of pain on MYSELF like I did last time breaking up with him. So he walked out the door.

And the pain is incredible all over again but Im leaning on God to get me though. And I have faith he will. But I see some dark days in the near future. If any of you have faith please put me on your prayer list just for me not to lose hope. I know when you lose hope its the worst and I fear thats why Ive let myself TOTALLY go instead of just my weight. Like ive lost hope for Mike and I know I will never find a man who can complete me like he did so..all is lost in a way. What a Negative Nancy, I know.

And I KNOW I need to get motivated. I know it. I just dont know how. My only source of comfort right now is being lazy, watching House on my DVR with my faithful rice pack, and eating bad food. Being productive with a broken heart is hard. So hard. I just wanna baby myself right now. My brother wants to go have lunch and I hardly ever SEE my brother. But the thought of putting on make up and getting into jeans that are too tight and out of my yoga pants just does NOT seem cool right now.

WHAT A WHINER!!! Ugghhh...I hate when I sound all whiney. Even in my own blog where I am supposed to put my innermost thoughts and feelings I still beat myself up for feeling this way and admitting even to myself how lazy I can be.

So in struggling with laziness and heartache, maybe you guys have some personal stories. HOW did you get OUT of your stretchy forgiving yoga pants, OFF the couch, and back IN to life prior to surgery???

Love you guys! Ill try to post more frequently now with less bitching but it may be awhile. I tend to hold on to heartbreak longer than others for some dumb reason.

Lauren Ashli