Tuesday, March 8, 2011

On A Mission to Find My Sparkle

So...Ive been heavy my whole life. And Ive been uncomfortable with it my whole life. But Ive always comforted myself with the fact that at least I had a spark behind my eyes and a genuine smile. Since the loss of Mike that spark is gone. The smile is fake. Now I feel like Im just a blob of fat without being able to say.."but I have spark." So...I gotta get that spark back.

One of my favorite pics I have of myself is actually a topless pic. Not to be graphic but in the pic Im over 200 pounds, probably 207-210 range so by far not small, only about 20 pounds smaller than I am right now. But what I like about it is that I actually have confidence behind my eyes. It was a picture Mike took one day when we were playing around, oddly enough, NOT even sexually, I just happened to be topless. I was just that comfortable with him. I want to be that comfortable again. I want that spark back. I want to be able to be happy without him. I was happy before I met him, I want to be able to be happy again.
Im finding I have a love/hate relationship with Adipex. While it works while its in my system, I crash from it hard and get more hungry than if I had never taken it before. And while the dry mouth is HORRIBLE, it does make me drink more water-but then Im in the bathroom every 5 minutes.

I had a big talk with my dad tonight. Dad has struggled with his weight all of his life too. His highest weight has ever been 212. Embarassing mine has been 232. His advice to me was pretty simple. Just keep trying. I hate myself for failing but there is nothing else to do besides keep trying. I dont really know what to write about because thats all I can do is keep trying. I havent really been trying. I dont really have a plan. Every time I have a plan I fail. My only plan right now is to quit sabotaging myself so hard core and to try to get back to the happy girl I was before I met Mike. I just dont know how to get back to her. But I know its NOT on the couch watching House all day long. So what Im going to do instead is a question mark. Working 3rds is a pain in the ass because I can stay busy until about 11pm then everyone wants to go to bed then Im up writing boring uninspired blogs cause I have nothing else to do for the rest of the night then I sleep through the day when people are up because I work tomorrow night!!! Grrrr

Onederland. 30 pounds. Next Drs appointment is in 17 days. Ive had so many unrealistic goals and so many failures I dont know what is an appropriate goal anymore. This break up has just fucked me up so much in all aspects of life I cant think straight. Ive gotta snap out of it!!! I have been sabataging myself so long. 30 pounds into Onderland seems so much and so little all at the same time. I think its the Topamax right now fucking with my frontal lobes. Thats right. I wanna lose wieght so much I take 100mg of Topamax a day but I dont lay off the carbs and get off the couch??? Odd.

And I just keep writing. Because Im speeding on Adipex...My brain is foggy on Topamax...and its 120am and Im wide awake with thirdshiftitis. I have nothing to say, no plan, no witty comments or pictures. But I do know I am going to do this. I am going to find my spark. I dont know HOW and for the 1st time Im going about it without a set plan. And I think thats OK. Because whats having a plan ever gotten me? 30 pounds heavier is what it has gotten me.

Im gonna do this. Im gonna find my spark again. Im going to lose this weight. Im going to be happy again. Im going to find someone who loves me as is. There ARE people out there who can love a heavy girl. Almost every blogger I read is involved in a romantic relationship. Mike loved me. It just didnt work.

I wish I knew what to do for the next 7 hours. Ugh 3rd shift sucks on my nights off. Too bad Im obsessed with my house being cleaned or I would clean but its already clean! Guess Ill start reading all your blogs!!!

Lauren Ashli


  1. Your dad has the best advice yet! Keep trying! That is the best we can do! I feel your pain... Its crazy how easily we can beat ourselves up over things that are beyond our control but in the end we have to get ourselves together and fight it! I think that you are very inspirational. Your writing is real and unscripted and you tell it like it is! I appreciate that and you having 30lbs for onderland! UGH! I envy that! You already in your career, an RN! I envy! :) You are AWESOME, Young and pretty! Keep your head up girly!!! You will be blessed with someone to love you just as much as you can love them. Just stay focussed on your plan and if that one fails keep going to the next one! We are all in this loosing battle together! You are not alone!!! :)

  2. Topamax about made me lose my mind. I'm not kidding. While I was on it, I about had a nervous breakdown. That stuff was hardcore!

    Falling down is not what defines you. It is how you pick yourself up and keep going that does. Life is all about that cycle. It comes in different colors and flavors, but it doesn't ever really end. Being happy many times is a choice. We are all out here for each other and I'm sending you good mojo!! :)

  3. i don't know how you can stand the topamax. i took it for migraines and i found it impossible to wake up in the morning, and cloudy for the rest of the day. regardless, your dad is right. all we can do is keep trying. there's an ingrid michaelson song called "keep breathing." along the same lines as your dad's advice to you: just keep trying, keep breathing. i have a feeling you'll find that spark :)

  4. Stay positive, you can do anything you put your mind to! You WILL find someone to love you for you, you seem like you have alot going for you and I have to say you look like a GORGEOUS woman! Its what is on the inside that counts! Listen to your dad, as dads usually give the best advice. Keep trying and you will find your spark soon enough!

  5. Lauren, you are a beautiful person inside and out (we both know that) :) Yes, it is important to not give up. I often have to restart again and again. I find a new book and OH its so great and it works for awhile and then I am back to the way I was. I am almost 40 and I really hate that I have spent most of my life obsessed with my body. You are so young and have accomplished so much; be proud. When the time is right you will find no no.......the right man will find you. xoxo

  6. hey girl where did you go?? we miss you out here in blogland... i hope you're doing okay... stop in sometime and say hello!

  7. you are beautiful. id totally ask you out on a date!