Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Cupid Must've been Drunk and Forgot me Yesterday

So...Valentines Day wasnt too horribly bad. After an almost 8 week hiatus of cold turkey no talking I gave in and txt Mike. I made it through Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve, my BIRTHDAY (for Gods sake!), and every single day in between I was strong, but on Valentine's Day, I break. Lol

I sent the sweetest most heartfelt 3 sentences in the history of litterature and recieved this reply: "Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetie."


And then the tears came. But they stopped pretty quickly because I had shiz to do. I had a Valentine's Party planned for work. We didnt have too many patients so a lot of the nurses got to stay home on low census, but the 5 of us who were there managed to REALLY get into the Valentines mood after I forced every one to start making Valentines Day cards. And the dress code I envoked that everyone hated, well, they ended up loving it.

People should trust me more.
I love these girls :)
Me and My Work BFFL Super Jen

So theres a little sample. I do love Valentines Day. And I love all you!
Cant wait to read about all of your Valentines Days
Lauren Ashli


Mike is coming over in the morning.

Monday, February 14, 2011

I Wont Be Bitter on Valentines Day...I Wont be Bitter on Valentines Day...I Wont be...Aw, F*ck it-Im a Little Bitter.

Hey Married Blogger friends!!!
I wouldnt read this blog unless you remember what it is like to be single on Valentines Day.

Actually, being single on Valentines Day isnt too bad at all. Ive been single on and off for most of my 20's. Ive been coupled up and single for Valentines Days and none of them have been too eventful. Then again, I'd never been in love before. So now, a Valentines Day "single" is not my problem. A Valentine's Day specifically without Mike is my problem. And...Im sure you are all sick of hearing about him. But Id get used to it. I dont see myself getting over this for quite a bit.

I actually LOOVEEE Valentine's Day. I am the QUEEN of pink and sparkle and hearts and love. Even single Ill plan dinners and drinks and cute outfits and give Valentines to every one I know. And this year I decided would be NO EXCEPTION. So Mike is gone...but life still goes on. So I planned the biggest, bestest, sparliest Valentine's Party my work girls has ever seen. I bough an obnoxious amount of Valentine's candy and decorations and was a control freak and gave all the girls a strict pink and heart dress code (which they hate, but they will do it for me. Love em.)

So here's the thing. I am a night shift Labor/Delivery nurse. Tonight I was "floated" over to the Pediatrics unit. I have a pretty easy assignment, just two babies with pnumonia. I didnt get any daytime sleep today in preperation of my 12 hour (7p-7a) shift so I expected to to fighting sleep the whole time. Instead of sleeping I spent a fun day with the new roomie shopping and cooking for my awesome Valentine's Day party at work tomorrow. But Im NOT fighting sleep. Im up...wide awake. With an anxiety stomach ache.

Im trying SO hard to not be a bitter Debbie Downer this Valentines Day. Im trying to not be that single girl who hates VDay. I LOVE IT. And Im more ANXIOUS than sad. I know Im not going to hear from Mike. I know Im not. I dont know why Im so anxious. But I know Im not going to get any sleep today. Whats with the anxiety? Shouldnt I just be SAD???

I dont know. I kinda wanna take a bath with my blowdryer rather than be without him today.

I know I have to get used to it and hopefully I get some credit for being a sparkly princess and throwing a party and making Vday cards for everyone...but this anxiety is really annoying me. I need a Valium or something. Good thing I work with all these Doctors. Lol.

Despite all that I hope all you married up people have a great VDay. Take this day to look at the man snoring next to you in bed and hold him so close. Fight the urge to be annoyed with him. Because there are some people, who as they remind you to hold him tight, are tearing up remembering when they used to hold the one they love and now they are nothing but a faint memory.

Happy VDAY everyone <3
Lauren Ashli

Friday, February 11, 2011

Onederland...I Can Almost SMELL You!!!!

Onederland...A new term Ive learned since looking into Lap Band surgery.

I realize some people REALLY hate this term. For some reason, I actually kind of like it. It kind of motivates me. Funny thing though is that I am at my highest weight ever. I wish I had heard this saying when I was hovering in the 205-215 region.

Weight loss is such an odd psychological mind fuck. I am sitting at a number some bloggers I read call a goal (230). I read about people above 250 or 300 and they are so excited when they get down to 230 and I am so excited FOR them!!! So why then, cant I be happy with myself and begin losing weight? I mean, come on. 31 pounds to get into Onederland??? THATS NOT THAT MUCH! I look at what my fellow bloggers are doing and accomplishing to get into Onderland and they have a higher mountain than me. And they are doing FABULOUS! Again, maybe its because I dont have the band yet and I only started LOOKING at surgery because I cant (Dont) lose it on my own but really, in the grand scheme of things, 31 pounds is NOT that high of a mountain compared to a lot of other people.

And what really annoys me is this is the highest I have ever been. Last year at 207, it was only 8 pounds into Onederland...and I wasnt even dieting then! I was happy and in love and Mike loved me how I was and I was just...happy and living in the moment. And maybe thats key. Everyone's blogs I read they are way happy and in love and have children...Now I dont want kids! But a more settled down life with someone I love Ive been waiting for since I got out of the womb.

But really, Im very interesting in the psychology of weight loss. I OBSESS about my weight and clothes and health...OBSESS each and every hour of the day. Yet-I litterally do nothing to change it. In fact, as I sit here now I am contemplating what to eat for dinner because I havent ate all day. I kill my metabolism by being too busy or sleeping from working thirds...then I eat a huge meal. I dont get my water in. I never exercise. Even a small intervention like eating more through the day, a little more activity, drinking my water...Just ONE of those would drop some pounds. Imagine if I put my all in this and actually did it ALL? Cut all the carbs and sugar down to a minimum, drank my water, and worked out 3-4 times a week? Id be unstoppable. So why then, my dear Blogger friends, Is it that we obsess all day long to the point of writing a weight loss blog while eating Holiday Nerds and drinking Sunkist??? Nicole...Girl...i really hope you are right about the band helping because Im starting to feel like if I have no control without the band, I may be one of those assholes everyone is asking, "Um...Didnt you get weight loss surgery???"

On a different note, I was thinking about other goals of mine. Clearly, the "get Mike back" goal isnt going anywhere because I keep telling myself I broke up with him for a REASON. And it was a DAMN good reason. Its a something he can fix, not something he DID per se. Its a non-negotiable in my book. And he knows what it is. And its up to him. I refuse to pressure him. We've talked about it at so much length and I did all I could to deal with it and put up with everything and the only thing I like about our break up is I can honestly tell myself I did everything I could before walking away so the tears I cry every night are not my own doing like my weight is. Im just mourning the loss of an amazing man and the love of my life. So as far as goals go...I cant DO anything...he knows what he needs to change for us to be together and until he decides its worth it, all I can do is wait for him to show up on my doorstep and tell me he did it and he loves me and we can move on.

Or I can attempt to move on. Dont get me wrong, Im not waiting on Mike. I wouldnt be opposed to dating if someone ASKED. Back in the day, pre-Mike I ventured into online dating for a bit. It was interesting that I developed a handful of relationships in the two years I tried that, all non-fullfilling and short lived. But I met Mike in my real life. Hmmm. Its also interesting that all my goals tie into my weight. I thought about giving theonline dating thing a try again, if only just for a DISTRACTION. Not to fall in love but to have some fun. So I can get pretty and go out and have male company on a Friday night instead of sitting at home writing a blog, deciding what to eat, cleaning, and crying about Mike. Option one sounds much better. And if I meet someone special, thats just a bonus.

Yet it all comes back to weight. Im was scared my weight would be a deal-breaker when I was 205-210ish! Now Im 230! I have to be honest, a short man is a deal-breaker for me. Anything under 5-8 and I skip it totally. So I cant be upset if my weight is a deal breaker for them. Now...is weight a stat on Eharmony? No...And do I put real full-length recent pictures up? YES! However, this sounds weird, but Im scared I look better in pics that I do in person. For example, my last blog. I had a pic standing up and a pic sitting down. It looked like two different people!
Here is my most recent full-length from vacation 2 weeks ago in the mountains of Sedona.
Not too bad, but it does wonders what a hip twist will do for you. And pics can be so decieving! I am terrified of that look of disappointment on their face when they thought they were meeting the cute chubby chick from the pics and they end up meeting a whale! And maybe Im too hard on myself. Maybe we ALL have this weird body dysmorphic syndrome. Im not picking on myself, just being realistic to what I see in the mirror and pics that I HAVENT put a cute angle on or taken with my "good side."
Look at this horrible pic taken around the same time for my bday. I weight the EXACT same but the girl in this pic looks 50 pounds heavier!!!

So what do I DO??? Post the pics where I look giant and date the guy who contacts me "anyways"? Post the good pics and hope they are representaive to what I look like? My body image is so distorted I have no clue. THEN, I always worry about the guys who try to date fat chicks just because they think we "put out" easier. I know...easy solution-dont put out. But try telling that to a girl who rarley gets laid...and lovveesss sex, its not so super easy to just keep things platonic. Especially once the wine starts flowin ;)

Or, we have this 2/3rds pic where I smushed all my fat against the wall, haha

But I said all that to day this. Goal of getting over Mike or dating again somehow ive convinced myself cant be accomplished until I hit Onederland.

2nd goal-Buy a new Mustang. Thats not really a goal as much as waiting until Spring because no car payment is fun for now and I cant drive it in the snow anyways. But lets face it, my car was HOT...and it needs a hot momma driver behind the wheel. I feel like I have no reason to buy one until Im in Onederland! WHAT the H-E-L-L??? WHERE is that mentality coming from??? I knowyou guys are gonna call me crazy and I can do anything now that I can do 31 pounds from now, yet its a STRONG mentality I havent been able to break. Any one else suffer from this?

Next-Travel Nursing. Well, I have two things that keep me from this. 1st of all, I owe a 10 yr time commitment or 40k tuition reimbusement to the hospital I work at to have the freedom to travel. But lets say i worked all the money out. Traveling requires A LOT of confidence. Confidence in yourself and confidence in your skills. You have to be a people person and make friends easily. I do NOT make friends easily. Which is odd because I am the friendliest person in the world. Now...if someone reaches out to ME we will be BFF's in no time. I just am SO painfully shy, some people think Im stuck up or prefer to fly solo. And thats so not the case. Im damn near co-dependant on my friends and co-workers! Lol. God I love those girls. I feel like I need more confidence to make friends and in the feild I am in, labor/delivery, things can go to hell in a handbasket QUICK with the single grip of a cord and that baby needs out NOW and it takes teamwork like MAD. Thats why all of us are so close. We are LITTERALLY each other's lifelines!

Yet since I cant take MYSELF seriously cause my self esteem has been CRUSHED by repetedly failing at my goals of losing weight, I cant seem to believe doctors or co-workers in a new and ever-changing setting will take me seriously. So I need to lose weight to do that.

Speaking of making friends, I started following the BOOBS blog. It sounds like a total blast! Yet I get nervous doing things like that on my own because I just dont make friends easily! And I have no clue why! Im totally interested in meeting all of you and spending a weekend shopping and drinking and partying in Chi-Town! Its one of my favorite places and only 3 hours from home! Yet I get nervous about going into the situation not knowing anyone...anyone wanna be my BOOBs Buddy??? Lol

AND ITS ONLY 31 POUNDS!!! Holy crap! We arent talking 100 plus here!!! Will I be HAPPY at 199? Oh hell no. But Ill feel like Im a decent enough size to start dating again, hot enough to drive my dream car again, and confident enough to start traveling again. Its only 31 pounds for Gods sake. SO WHY THEN, WHY, I ASK YOU do I gain every day instead of lose? Why arent I even trying??? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM???

Okay ladies...If you made it this far, congrats. I cant believe it. Its just my babbling getting things out. I have loved reading your blogs and am learning SO much. I never knew people struggled like I do!!! You girls are amazing.

Much Love!!!
Lauren Ashli

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Wait...Did these Seats Get Smaller???

Okay guys...Sorry about the last pity party post. I have never, in my life, been so excited to start my period. God played an interesting game when he made me because he didnt give me horrible period cramps or back aches or bloating or acne or any of those other symptoms most women complain about when they are PMSing...But MAN, he gave me tears. Ive actually cried over a Pizza King commercial when I was 2 days pre=period before. Usually when I get over emotional I know its coming but the birthday vacay threw my dates off so I thought my Mike pity party was real. And it WAS, I do miss him so much and deal with a lot of hurt and confusion daily, but that sadness was EPIC. Im back to normal now.

On with life...So, I went to Vegas for my birthday. Actually, flew into Phoenix so we could take the sweet drive up the Red Rock mountains through Sedona and Flagstaff on to Vegas. Im an avid traveler and have always fit in a plane seat just fine. Yes, I have to unravel my belt the whole way, and the sides are tight, but not too bad. Well the FIRST thing I noticed about this flight is the sides PINCHED me! I almost didnt fit! Also, as I started to buckle the belt and was praying I didnt need an extender, it took an act of God to get the thing buckled. THAT was embarrassing. Now, only to myself, because I didnt end up needing assisitance, but man...that was the OPPOSITE of a NSV.

Pushing 230 I am at the highest weight of my life. I have never been "skinny" and havent been under 200 in years but something about that extra 20 pounds on a girl 5'1 makes SUCH a difference.

Before the vacation I made a quick trip to Michigan to a baby shower. Despite all the wieght I thought I managed to get it together and look decent at least. Not good, but at least not like a slob. My Michigan friends are so pretty and perfect and from the mold I wish I never had to leave. In fact, I blame a lot of my wieght gain on the major depression I went through when my dad moved a happy well-adjusted girl to another state at the prime of her life.

Has anyone else noticed a MAJOR difference between standing up and sitting down??? Here is me at the shower from the front view.
Not TOO super bad though...Kinda makes you think...Oh, who is that chubby chick? She looks okay if she would lose some weight, but not too bad.

Well, then I stumbled on THIS picture. Granted, it was a picture of the entire room and I just happened to see myself in the pic and crop myself out. But when I did, I actually cried.
Here we go.
And that would be....me???
Ugh. Yes. Sitting down I litterally look like a beached whale.

So, has anyone else been to the point where they got TWO good reality checks in one week, but STILL didnt do anything about their weight? I ead everyone else's blogs and they are doing SO good and they have all these little tips and tricks. Now, granted, most everyone I read already HAS the band, but with the band being a tool, not a magic wand, Im scared if I cant lose weight withOUT the band...how am I going to lose weight WITH it??? Im not doing anything good for myself right now and I dont know why. I cry about my weight yet its the ONE thing I can control and I DONT. Why not??????

Did anyone else continue to comfort themselves with food, no exercise, and Diet Coke galore all while crying about their weight??? Lol.

Food and Sleep are comfort for the pain...Exercise makes me wanna die. However, there are dozens of remedies for these excuses. I just need to be strong and push through. Where does this strength come from? Does it just COME one day???

Oh well, we'll see what happens. Thanks for listening to me bitch.
Lauren Ashli

Monday, February 7, 2011

Heartache, Break ups, and Diets...Im not sure you can do this all at once...

Ok ladies...1st of all, I apologize Ive been off the scene for awhile. I just have had zero motivation. Not just in weight loss, in life in general. My birhday was a giant let down because somewhere in the back of my head I just knew Mike was going to call me...or send a card...or SOMEthing. I dont have hope too often when it comes to my romantic affairs due to not being a fan of the let down feeling. In fact, Mike is the only man Ive ever had the feeling of hope with. But alass, my birthday came and went without a word and its been hard dealing with the reality that he is gone. So hard really, that I dont want to HAVE a reality. Sleeping is the only time when Im not hurting over this whole thing so really my life has been too boring to blog about and I havent cared enough to get on and read every one elses. I hope to change that soon.

The snow is killing me too. The reality that I am here alone in all this snow is too much to bear. How do you let someone you "love" get stuck in the snow time and time again and never come rescue her? I used to not even be able to wipe my ASS without him needing to know all the details. Now he doesnt even check on me when the weather is so bad out. I couldve died by now for all he knows! Now granted, I havent called him when Ive been stuck. He doesnt know Ive needed his help. And luckily I am blessed with a good neighbor and police department to help me when I get stuck and havent been abandoned too long. But how does HE know that?

I know, its not his job anymore. I know its over and Im trying to get used to it. Its been almost 6 months since we broke up the 1st time and 7 weeks since we broke up the second. Its been 7 weeks since Ive spoken to the only man Ive ever been in love with. I love this man and I havent spoken to him in 7 weeks. How do other people DEAL with this? I dont even want to deal with it. My house is a total wreck. I havent seen anywhere but my couch and work in days. I LIVE in my yoga pants and tank top.

How do you just fall out of love with someone? I fell in love with Mike because of how in love he was with me. I started out not even attracted to the guy But his loyalty and love for me won me over. And one day he just decided it wasnt worth what he may lose and left like we never existed. I dont understand it. My heart breaks every single day. Sometimes every single hour. I miss him so much I dont know what to do.

Ive been so strong these past 7 weeks not contacting him. I havent said a word. No contact whatsoever. And some days its easier than others. Christmas was easier than my birthday. My birthday was the worst. And now, as Valentines Day appraoches the need to be strong and give in at the same time is suffocating. Im not getting anything done because Im concentrating so hard on just getting by without calling him. I know calling wont do any good in the long run yet its taking all my strength not to.

Its so weird how life works and how seasons change and things come full circle. On Valentines Day its been about a year since we met. And the closer I get to that day the harder it is for me. Not really because its a lovers holiday but its so hard knowing a year ago I thought Id met the love of my life and now, this year, Im sitting here crying and writing the worlds more depressing blog. But if I dont get it out SOME where, I know I will contact him. And that cant happen.

So ladies, Im still alive...havent forgotten you. While Im up today Im gonna catch up on everyones blogs. But honestly...sleep has been the only thing Im interested in latley. Sorry its so depressing. No weight loss news. Probably because I havent even tried. Like I said, all my strength is going towards trying to survive this break up. I keep hoping tomorrow will be better. It HAS to start getting better, right???

God I hope so.