Monday, February 7, 2011

Heartache, Break ups, and Diets...Im not sure you can do this all at once...

Ok ladies...1st of all, I apologize Ive been off the scene for awhile. I just have had zero motivation. Not just in weight loss, in life in general. My birhday was a giant let down because somewhere in the back of my head I just knew Mike was going to call me...or send a card...or SOMEthing. I dont have hope too often when it comes to my romantic affairs due to not being a fan of the let down feeling. In fact, Mike is the only man Ive ever had the feeling of hope with. But alass, my birthday came and went without a word and its been hard dealing with the reality that he is gone. So hard really, that I dont want to HAVE a reality. Sleeping is the only time when Im not hurting over this whole thing so really my life has been too boring to blog about and I havent cared enough to get on and read every one elses. I hope to change that soon.

The snow is killing me too. The reality that I am here alone in all this snow is too much to bear. How do you let someone you "love" get stuck in the snow time and time again and never come rescue her? I used to not even be able to wipe my ASS without him needing to know all the details. Now he doesnt even check on me when the weather is so bad out. I couldve died by now for all he knows! Now granted, I havent called him when Ive been stuck. He doesnt know Ive needed his help. And luckily I am blessed with a good neighbor and police department to help me when I get stuck and havent been abandoned too long. But how does HE know that?

I know, its not his job anymore. I know its over and Im trying to get used to it. Its been almost 6 months since we broke up the 1st time and 7 weeks since we broke up the second. Its been 7 weeks since Ive spoken to the only man Ive ever been in love with. I love this man and I havent spoken to him in 7 weeks. How do other people DEAL with this? I dont even want to deal with it. My house is a total wreck. I havent seen anywhere but my couch and work in days. I LIVE in my yoga pants and tank top.

How do you just fall out of love with someone? I fell in love with Mike because of how in love he was with me. I started out not even attracted to the guy But his loyalty and love for me won me over. And one day he just decided it wasnt worth what he may lose and left like we never existed. I dont understand it. My heart breaks every single day. Sometimes every single hour. I miss him so much I dont know what to do.

Ive been so strong these past 7 weeks not contacting him. I havent said a word. No contact whatsoever. And some days its easier than others. Christmas was easier than my birthday. My birthday was the worst. And now, as Valentines Day appraoches the need to be strong and give in at the same time is suffocating. Im not getting anything done because Im concentrating so hard on just getting by without calling him. I know calling wont do any good in the long run yet its taking all my strength not to.

Its so weird how life works and how seasons change and things come full circle. On Valentines Day its been about a year since we met. And the closer I get to that day the harder it is for me. Not really because its a lovers holiday but its so hard knowing a year ago I thought Id met the love of my life and now, this year, Im sitting here crying and writing the worlds more depressing blog. But if I dont get it out SOME where, I know I will contact him. And that cant happen.

So ladies, Im still alive...havent forgotten you. While Im up today Im gonna catch up on everyones blogs. But honestly...sleep has been the only thing Im interested in latley. Sorry its so depressing. No weight loss news. Probably because I havent even tried. Like I said, all my strength is going towards trying to survive this break up. I keep hoping tomorrow will be better. It HAS to start getting better, right???

God I hope so.


  1. Awww you poor thing... I've BEEN there girl, trust me. I know the exact pain you're going through. There's no answer and there's no cure. Just know, that the absolute worst thing you can do is contact him - that will be like taking half a step forward and 12 steps back. I know it's hard to imagine - but it WILL get better. I never thought it would when I was in your shoes, but now, years later - I look back and think, "omg, why the HECK did I let that stupid ass get to me so much and make my life miserable?!". And I trust that one day you, too, will look back and think the same thing. Love yourself above all others. Right now you're more in love with the idea of being in love than the idea of surviving. And that's no bueno! Keep your beautiful head high - and know that it WILL get better! And whatever you do - DON'T contact him! ;)

  2. Hey Lauren, I first want to say that I have missed you. I know I am new to all of my new blogger friends but I do check on you all everyday. I wondered why we hadn't heard from you. Yes, next monday will be a hard day but you are a strong woman and you will make it.

    Also, use your blog to let out your hurt like you did today. We are not here to just hear the good stuff and weight loss stuff. We are here to support you in whatever you are going through. I am sure I am speaking for all of your followers.

    Try and find something that will take your mind off of your heartache until this time passes.

    Take care and know you are worth so much more than this. xoxo

  3. Thanks Ladies...I want to get back into the swing of blogging and paying attention to myself and my weight but the weight of this breakup keeps taking over my emotions no matter how hard I try to control it. I appreciate the comments...Im gonna get through this, God I hope, Its just taking so damn long all I can do is wait it out :(

  4. What's the harm in contacting him? He might be missing you just as much as you're missing him. Unless he specifically said, "Don't contact me ever again!" Nothing wrong with seeing how he feels about the situation now. I know, I know, not what you wanted to hear probably. :( But if his biggest issue was he didn't want to be hurt by you or whatever... you never know.