Onederland...I Can Almost SMELL You!!!!

Onederland...A new term Ive learned since looking into Lap Band surgery.

I realize some people REALLY hate this term. For some reason, I actually kind of like it. It kind of motivates me. Funny thing though is that I am at my highest weight ever. I wish I had heard this saying when I was hovering in the 205-215 region.

Weight loss is such an odd psychological mind fuck. I am sitting at a number some bloggers I read call a goal (230). I read about people above 250 or 300 and they are so excited when they get down to 230 and I am so excited FOR them!!! So why then, cant I be happy with myself and begin losing weight? I mean, come on. 31 pounds to get into Onederland??? THATS NOT THAT MUCH! I look at what my fellow bloggers are doing and accomplishing to get into Onderland and they have a higher mountain than me. And they are doing FABULOUS! Again, maybe its because I dont have the band yet and I only started LOOKING at surgery because I cant (Dont) lose it on my own but really, in the grand scheme of things, 31 pounds is NOT that high of a mountain compared to a lot of other people.

And what really annoys me is this is the highest I have ever been. Last year at 207, it was only 8 pounds into Onederland...and I wasnt even dieting then! I was happy and in love and Mike loved me how I was and I was just...happy and living in the moment. And maybe thats key. Everyone's blogs I read they are way happy and in love and have children...Now I dont want kids! But a more settled down life with someone I love Ive been waiting for since I got out of the womb.

But really, Im very interesting in the psychology of weight loss. I OBSESS about my weight and clothes and health...OBSESS each and every hour of the day. Yet-I litterally do nothing to change it. In fact, as I sit here now I am contemplating what to eat for dinner because I havent ate all day. I kill my metabolism by being too busy or sleeping from working thirds...then I eat a huge meal. I dont get my water in. I never exercise. Even a small intervention like eating more through the day, a little more activity, drinking my water...Just ONE of those would drop some pounds. Imagine if I put my all in this and actually did it ALL? Cut all the carbs and sugar down to a minimum, drank my water, and worked out 3-4 times a week? Id be unstoppable. So why then, my dear Blogger friends, Is it that we obsess all day long to the point of writing a weight loss blog while eating Holiday Nerds and drinking Sunkist??? Nicole...Girl...i really hope you are right about the band helping because Im starting to feel like if I have no control without the band, I may be one of those assholes everyone is asking, "Um...Didnt you get weight loss surgery???"

On a different note, I was thinking about other goals of mine. Clearly, the "get Mike back" goal isnt going anywhere because I keep telling myself I broke up with him for a REASON. And it was a DAMN good reason. Its a something he can fix, not something he DID per se. Its a non-negotiable in my book. And he knows what it is. And its up to him. I refuse to pressure him. We've talked about it at so much length and I did all I could to deal with it and put up with everything and the only thing I like about our break up is I can honestly tell myself I did everything I could before walking away so the tears I cry every night are not my own doing like my weight is. Im just mourning the loss of an amazing man and the love of my life. So as far as goals go...I cant DO anything...he knows what he needs to change for us to be together and until he decides its worth it, all I can do is wait for him to show up on my doorstep and tell me he did it and he loves me and we can move on.

Or I can attempt to move on. Dont get me wrong, Im not waiting on Mike. I wouldnt be opposed to dating if someone ASKED. Back in the day, pre-Mike I ventured into online dating for a bit. It was interesting that I developed a handful of relationships in the two years I tried that, all non-fullfilling and short lived. But I met Mike in my real life. Hmmm. Its also interesting that all my goals tie into my weight. I thought about giving theonline dating thing a try again, if only just for a DISTRACTION. Not to fall in love but to have some fun. So I can get pretty and go out and have male company on a Friday night instead of sitting at home writing a blog, deciding what to eat, cleaning, and crying about Mike. Option one sounds much better. And if I meet someone special, thats just a bonus.

Yet it all comes back to weight. Im was scared my weight would be a deal-breaker when I was 205-210ish! Now Im 230! I have to be honest, a short man is a deal-breaker for me. Anything under 5-8 and I skip it totally. So I cant be upset if my weight is a deal breaker for them. Now...is weight a stat on Eharmony? No...And do I put real full-length recent pictures up? YES! However, this sounds weird, but Im scared I look better in pics that I do in person. For example, my last blog. I had a pic standing up and a pic sitting down. It looked like two different people!
Here is my most recent full-length from vacation 2 weeks ago in the mountains of Sedona.

Not too bad, but it does wonders what a hip twist will do for you. And pics can be so decieving! I am terrified of that look of disappointment on their face when they thought they were meeting the cute chubby chick from the pics and they end up meeting a whale! And maybe Im too hard on myself. Maybe we ALL have this weird body dysmorphic syndrome. Im not picking on myself, just being realistic to what I see in the mirror and pics that I HAVENT put a cute angle on or taken with my "good side."
Look at this horrible pic taken around the same time for my bday. I weight the EXACT same but the girl in this pic looks 50 pounds heavier!!!

So what do I DO??? Post the pics where I look giant and date the guy who contacts me "anyways"? Post the good pics and hope they are representaive to what I look like? My body image is so distorted I have no clue. THEN, I always worry about the guys who try to date fat chicks just because they think we "put out" easier. I know...easy solution-dont put out. But try telling that to a girl who rarley gets laid...and lovveesss sex, its not so super easy to just keep things platonic. Especially once the wine starts flowin ;)

Or, we have this 2/3rds pic where I smushed all my fat against the wall, haha

But I said all that to day this. Goal of getting over Mike or dating again somehow ive convinced myself cant be accomplished until I hit Onederland.

2nd goal-Buy a new Mustang. Thats not really a goal as much as waiting until Spring because no car payment is fun for now and I cant drive it in the snow anyways. But lets face it, my car was HOT...and it needs a hot momma driver behind the wheel. I feel like I have no reason to buy one until Im in Onederland! WHAT the H-E-L-L??? WHERE is that mentality coming from??? I knowyou guys are gonna call me crazy and I can do anything now that I can do 31 pounds from now, yet its a STRONG mentality I havent been able to break. Any one else suffer from this?

Next-Travel Nursing. Well, I have two things that keep me from this. 1st of all, I owe a 10 yr time commitment or 40k tuition reimbusement to the hospital I work at to have the freedom to travel. But lets say i worked all the money out. Traveling requires A LOT of confidence. Confidence in yourself and confidence in your skills. You have to be a people person and make friends easily. I do NOT make friends easily. Which is odd because I am the friendliest person in the world. Now...if someone reaches out to ME we will be BFF's in no time. I just am SO painfully shy, some people think Im stuck up or prefer to fly solo. And thats so not the case. Im damn near co-dependant on my friends and co-workers! Lol. God I love those girls. I feel like I need more confidence to make friends and in the feild I am in, labor/delivery, things can go to hell in a handbasket QUICK with the single grip of a cord and that baby needs out NOW and it takes teamwork like MAD. Thats why all of us are so close. We are LITTERALLY each other's lifelines!

Yet since I cant take MYSELF seriously cause my self esteem has been CRUSHED by repetedly failing at my goals of losing weight, I cant seem to believe doctors or co-workers in a new and ever-changing setting will take me seriously. So I need to lose weight to do that.

Speaking of making friends, I started following the BOOBS blog. It sounds like a total blast! Yet I get nervous doing things like that on my own because I just dont make friends easily! And I have no clue why! Im totally interested in meeting all of you and spending a weekend shopping and drinking and partying in Chi-Town! Its one of my favorite places and only 3 hours from home! Yet I get nervous about going into the situation not knowing anyone...anyone wanna be my BOOBs Buddy??? Lol

AND ITS ONLY 31 POUNDS!!! Holy crap! We arent talking 100 plus here!!! Will I be HAPPY at 199? Oh hell no. But Ill feel like Im a decent enough size to start dating again, hot enough to drive my dream car again, and confident enough to start traveling again. Its only 31 pounds for Gods sake. SO WHY THEN, WHY, I ASK YOU do I gain every day instead of lose? Why arent I even trying??? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM???

Okay ladies...If you made it this far, congrats. I cant believe it. Its just my babbling getting things out. I have loved reading your blogs and am learning SO much. I never knew people struggled like I do!!! You girls are amazing.

Much Love!!!
XOXOXO
Lauren Ashli