What's the Point of Sparklies and Hooker Boots if They're Covered up in Fat???

So last night was my birthday. Okay...It wasnt my birthday. Yet. it was my mini celebration. I celebrate my birthday numerous times through out the two weeks surrounding my birthday and yesterday was the 1st of many.

I was super excited for a night out on the town and decided it was going to be sparkle night and I had this year and next year to still be a sparkle princess before turning 30 and officially being too old for that kind of behavior and hanging up the tiara.

1st order of business? Cinnomon Dolche Latte. Fully Loaded.

Because it was my birthday, I didnt even get the "skinny" version. And let me tell you. That drink is like heaven on earth. OMG. I wish I had the 500 calories a day and $5 a day to spend on it!

Second order of business was the sparkly pedicure. Even Barbi doesnt have cuter toesies. This picture doesnt really do it justice, but you may get the point.

And after buying the obligatory sparkly eyeshadow I threw on my gorgeous sparkly dress and transformed into the birthday princess I am. Oh...I was in such a good mood.

If only we had not broke out the camera.
I dont know what it is. I dont know why I am the oposite of most people. Most people DONT think they look good. Most people look in the mirror and DONT like what they see. I actually DO like what I see. Maybe I need 3-D mirrors. Because its only when I see PICTURES that I get SO depressed because I see what I ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE and HATE it.

Why do they even MAKE pretty sparkly dresses in 2x? Sorry for the pity party. Im just so frustrated. Sometimes I feel like I feel so hard and I just get NO where. But in all honesty I dont try THAT hard. I do try hard. But I dont try as hard as I could. It just feels like I try super hard because I am thinking about it every second of the day. but in reality, I am making more mistakes and excuses than I am making efforts. I am missing more meals than I am eating healhty meals. Id rather NOT eat than eat healthy. Id rather skip a meal than exercise. Still, its so discouraging to get so dressed up for the night and feel so good and then find out you look like THIS

And the full length version with the boots I was loving so much

Im bigger than my friend who is 6 months pregnant!!!
I know, this blog sounds like a big pity party. And I really AM sick of living my life as one big pity party. But, really, how does one be fat AND happy? Im reading a REALLY good blog of a girl who accomplished it and she is such an ispiration. She is too too cute! I wish I could be like her. And I am sometimes...I have accomplished quite a bit for a fat chick. I own my own home, drive a nice car, have a good carreer as a nurse, Im well traveled, Im super independant, and I can do anything I put my mind to (minus lose weight, apperently). I just get in these moods sometimes where i think being fat means...why even do anything?

Okay, Im babbling now. I guess in addition to all the birthday parties Im having this week you are all invited to my pity party!!! Hahahaha!!! OK! IM SNAPPING OUT OF IT NOW! I have a baby shower to go to and babies to deliver tonight. Being fat doesnt keep me from being a good friend and being there for my former roommate as she celebrates her impending new daughter and then I have patients to keep safe as they bring their new babies into the world!!!

*Seriously?!?!*

Dear Primary Care Provider,

Im sorry if I wasted your precious time waiting 30 days to see you, driving from out of town in an icy mess, and waiting in a freezing cold room 90 minutes past my appointment time. I didnt realize you could perform an assessment, formulate a cumulative treatment plan, and answer questions all within 90 seconds. My bad. Thanks for those 90 seconds of your brilliance. You'll be getting my $300 payment in the mail.

Your insignificant patient,

L.Wilson,RN

*Whew!* Just needed to blow off some steam. My physician totally made me feel about 2 feet tall today. For all of you who have navigated the super strict insurance world of trying to get approved for Lap Band, you know one small mistake or overlook can cost you months of set back time. And I had the nerve to try to make a cumulative visit to the doctor's office today.

My insurance is HARD to get to pay for lap band. And yes, Doctor, I realize I "qualify" on weight alone and you also think Im a fat ass and could benefit from surgery, but that doesnt mean insurance will agree with EITHER of us! Hell, if the only requirement was a BMI over 40, I wouldnt NEED your approval. All Id need was a scale!

Id appreciate it if you pulled your head out of your ass and gave me the time of day for 10 minutes. Ive been researching for over a month what my insurance requires of you...and it is more than you saying, "yah...she needs it." And I dont want to have to wait 30 days every time we need to tweek something because of consistant denials!!!

If you arent someone Im sleeping with it takes a lot to hurt my feelings. But congrats Primary Care Provider. You succeeded. If we werent already 2 months into the 6 months of "supervised wieght loss" I would dump your ass. And dont think I wont the second insurance approves me. You are clearly too busy and popular to be bothered by the likes of me anyways so apperently I am doing you a favor.

XXOXOX
Lauren Ashli

.

Does the Peeing and the Crying EVER stop???

O...M...G. I wonder HOW many times while writing this short blog I am going to have to pee. Seriously...one bottle of water in and I am peeing about every 7 minutes. While it's reassuring to know I have the world's greatest kidneys, some sleep or to be able to get to the next commercial of Sex and the City without running to the bathroom would be nice! This isnt just a mild annoyance. All the peeing from when I drink water instead of Diet Coke is seriously having a negative impact on my life. Has anyone else had this problem???

*I cant drink water at work because Im a labor/delivery nurse and I can barley find time to pee like a normal person-much less a human fountain.

*I cant drink water before bed because I need to get sleep and my bladder will wake me right up.

*I cant drink water if I want to be productive outside the house for any amount of time because Id spend more time looking for a bathroom than running errands!

So, basically, Im down to just drinking it while Im at home. And Im not making excuses. I dont even MIND drinking water. Im one of those weirdos who LIKES water. But the side effects almost take too much of a toll on my actual life. Im really trying to not make my LIFE about losing weight, rather to live a life and if I lose weight, its a positive side effect.

I make all of these weight loss goals then feel like shit when I dont lose weight. But I realized the other day I never succeed because in order to make my goals come true, I would have to change my whole entire life. And maybe thats exactly what I need to do. But who really has the strength to do that on their own? Who has the oomph to change everything about their lives to accomplish one goal? Am I weak because I just cant seem to do it???

Ive given up on financing this surgery on my own. I could affort it but just barley. And if I lose weight you better believe Im going to want that money to LIVE. And I would seriously be broke for about 5 years if I financed this. SO...Ill give the 6 months supervised diet a shot so my insurance will pay-but Im already mouring everything I wont be able to do this summer like I wanted to with the band.

And again, the fat girl metality shocks me. What cant I do this summer? Date? Go out and drink? Swim? Travel? Wear shorts? (Brb...gotta pee) Ok...Back. Drive around in my convertible? I can still DO all those things this summer but somewhere in my crazy warped fat girl mind I just know the summer is going to suck so bad because no matter how much I "commit" to this 6 months supervised diet, Ive never been able to lose weight on my own before, so I know this is going to be no different.

I know the band is not a magic wand. I know it will only work WITH me and not for me. Dont get me wrong, I realize its still up to me. But damn, just having a little bit of HELP would be nice. My body is so used to Adipex I barley even get a buzz off of it unless I drink a monster with it. And taking Topamax for weight loss? Yea...Not working.

I dont know how much of it is me sucking as a person and how much of it is missing Mike and wanting comfort. I wake up almost every night and just cry and cry and cry. Its ridiculous how bad I miss that man. I know there is nothing I can do to fix us so I do nothing. When I finally broke up with him I was able to tell him, "I love you so much and the only thing that makes me feel good about saying goodbye is knowing that I have done EVERYTHING possible to try to make us work." And I meant that. I did everything I could. I dont think you should ever give up on love if you are lucky enough to find it. Ever. With only one exception-if you love someone who wont fight back for you with that equal passion. And...I know he loved me. And I know he had major external factors that played against us. And...Im not a parent so maybe I dont understand, but I dont see any situation where I couldnt make it work...and if he didnt want to fight for us...I had no other option that to walk away. I dont regret my decision. I know I did the right thing. But DAMN...when is all the crying and the peeing going to STOP???

Gotta go. Work has been completley INSANE lately. I dont want to see a pregnant woman again for a week. But Im on call 11a-11p tomorrow and Im pretty sure this labor nurse is going to get her butt called in so I better get some sleep. Im enjoying reading everyone's blogs! I dont blog too much because I dont have anything profound to say...but I read everyone's and really enjoy it!

Have a good night everyone!
XOXOXO
Lauren Ashli

So What Now?

I hate break ups. I hate break ups even more from someone who was supposed to be so significant in your life. I feel like such an ass because I just sit here and think..."What HAPPENED???" "How is this thing so easy for him?" Im usually SO intuitive. Ive broken up with SO many guys I really liked because i could just tell I wasnt "the one" for them. They wouldve never broken up with me on their own because they didnt realize it...but I did. So being so in tune with others and their slight changes in mood...looks...anything...How could I miss Mike falling out of love with me??? Of course he insists he does love me...but then where IS he? Clearly, this is over. I dont believe in people who say they love you but arent there. He could be here. Even though I left him, Im pretty sure he KNOWS he could be here. I told him to show up when he was ready to fight for us and my door has been empty for almost a month now. Not even a phone call...a txt...nothing. And this blog is ridiculous and not well written and...just words. Words so that I dont end up texting him.
What do you do when its over? What do you do with all of your time? I know Im supposed to "stay busy" and ususally I do and the distraction really does help. Ill give it credit for helping. but it only helps my head. It keeps my head busy so I dont think about him as much. But what do people do with their hearts? Even in the middle of the busiest shift in the world where my mind has NO room for him because Im popping out babies left and right, my heart still aches for him. My heart doesnt understand how you can walk away from someone after being so intimate with them. My heart wants to know why this is so easy. I want to know when everything changed. I want to know what I missed. I want to know so much.
With every other break up things were easier because I thought one day we would get back together...and we always did. This time, I know its over. This time, Im not going back. And his past behavior shows me he isnt going to to anything to come and get me. I dont understand why. I dont know how he can stand not knowing me. I dont understand how he can lose his best friend and lover all in one swoop and never look back.
I dont know what to do. I suppose I just get through day by day and wait for the feeling in the pit of my stomach to diminish. I know with time it will.
I dont miss him as much as I just wonder why he wouldnt make it work. I wonder how he goes on without me. I wonder how he made the choice to walk out. I can live without him. I can do this. I may even be happy. But the thought that he is doing this by choice and Im doing it because I dont have a choice is a constant struggle for me.
There is that song a heart doesnt break even. No. No it doesnt. I know the advice...stay busy, exercise, get a life, blah blah. Ill do all that. My mind will be busy. But my heart will still be empty. What the fuck am I going to do to fill my heart???

*Surprise!!! Fat Girls Get Married Too!!*

Now...I know everyone has their issue...People have daddy issues, people have issues from being bullied, others suffer from depression or mental illness. However, I think all the issues some heavy people face could be a coined a mental illness all on their own.

I am one of those fat people.

Ive had 3 wonderful days off and two more to go. Ive spent those days primarily thinking and planning how to escape the vicious cycle of discontentment my life has become. I used to be a very happy very content girl with a wieght problem. Now my weight defines me and every thing I do or dont do to the point where it is almost a mental illness.

Although Im a tech junkie Ive just now ventured into the world of blogging, both reading and writing them. Being that I am researching getting a Lap Band of course I look up fellow bloggers who are living with the band and how their lives have or have not changed. A majority of bloggers (hell, actually I think ALL) of the blogs Ive read on my 3-day computer binge have been wrote by women. And as I go into each blog I am equally surprised when I few pages down I hear them refer to their "husband."

Excuse me? Their who??? All fat women dont sit at home watching House and waiting to drop 30 pounds before dating again??? Guys CAN love a fat chick? And the horrible mental illness (We'll call him "Insecurity" for short)pops up and says...Ok, they found a husband but who IS this guy who "settled" for a fat chick? Dont they realize their husbands settled for them? Or-if their husbands weren't settling, THEY had to be settling. This guy must be way below them. Or someone cheats. Or something.

Why cant I wrap my mind around the fact that it IS possible to be chubby AND happily married to your equal. A marriage where no one is "settling" but you both love each other and come from the same socioeconomic status? Why is that so hard for me to believe??? A lot of these girls are a good 20-30 pounds heavier than me too.

And Ive kind of noticed a difference. While reading these blogs most of these girls didnt mention their husbands until the 2nd or 3rd blog I read. And they just happened to mention the word "hubby". The blog wasnt even ABOUT the husband.These women clearly have other intrests besides being fat and finding a good man to love them "despite" their "deficiency". These women rely on their witty charm, their good hearts, and their sweet nature to form lasting relationships with the men they love.

Dont get me wrong, its not hard for me to get a man. Good Lord I have had more boyfriends than fingers and toes. Ive had a little more lovers than I have fingers, but not quite as many as fingers AND toes, haha. Whats funny is that I dont have a problem attracting men, rather, I have a problem keeping men.

Logic would dictate if they were attracted enough to me to ask for a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th date my weight couldnt bother them TOO much, yet when they break up with me-or rather I break up with them because they become emotionally unavailable ALL OF A SUDDEN-I always blame it on my weight. Now...there HAS to be another reason. But I ALWAYS blame it on them liking me but not being attracted to my tub of lard ass.

For some reason I cant get away from the theory that men cant be attracted to heavy women. Or at least a good man cant. Im not in the business of dating men who dont have their shit together. I want a man who knows how to work a debit card, pays a monthly rent or mortgage, drives a car without rust that is legally plated, and can hold an intelligent conversation. Finding a guy "below" these standards to love me is no problem.

Being fat makes me have the biggest inferiority problem Ive ever seen in my life. Honestly, I think it deserves a spot in the American Psychiatric Diagnostic book.
*Being fat means I have to drive the sexiest Mustang Convertible GT you've ever seen. (until I wrecked it last month).
*Being fat means I have to keep up religiously with my manicures and pedicures.
*Being fat means I shall never have "roots" and I will pay $130 bucks every 3 months for my hair stylist to painstakingly foil carmels, honeys, and platinum hightlights (spaggetti thin, mind you) through my thick, thick hair. *Being fat means spray tanning is not optional. I must have color.
*Being fat means I have to buy expensive clothes made specifically for a fat girl to look good and stylish. No jeans and t-shirt for this chick.
*Being fat means I have to smell good at all times. Being fat means I have to have a loaded pantry and bar at all times so I can cater to all my guests every whim.
*Being fat means i have to drink Fugi water and Starbucks coffee even though I am okay with the offbrands. But these cups and bottles "look" better in my hands.

There is SO much I do consiously and unconsiously to compensate for my weight problem because I see it as SUCH a deficiency in my soul. Just because I see it as a deficiency doesnt mean it is a deal breaker for men. But I MAKE it a deal breaker. And no, I NEVER discuss my weight with my boyfriends. Ever. They never mention it and neither do I. Yet somehow, the "wieght" is always to blame for me being lonely-not any deficiency in myself.

I am seriously one of the sweetest girls you will ever meet. I am a labor/delivery nurse. I make decent money. I own my own car and home. I am a Christan, a Republican, but VERY open to new world veiws and try to learn rather than debate. I have a good family and great friends. I am cultured, well-traveled, and damn it, despite all the weight, I dont think Im bad looking. Sometimes I think Im pretty hot. There is one reason a guy wouldnt love me and that is my weight. Yet...I let the weight and my massive insecurities about weight litterally rule my love life. I wish I knew how to stop that.

To all the "fat" girls who are happily married...How did you accomplish such a feat? Am I the only one who battles these insecurities SO intensley? How did everyone else manage to push them aside and marry someone and trust they love them? In my 28 years ive only met one man (who I felt met my "standards") who I felt loved me for who I was and didnt care about my weight. Not only did he "not care" but he was attracted to me no MATTER what I weighed. With most boyfriends I think they like me "despite" my weight problem because they see all my other good qualities. Mike made me feel like he loved me BECAUSE of my weight and he loved me even WITH all my insecurities and that my weight and my isecurities were a part of me and he loved that girl-insecurities and all. God I miss him. But that a whole other blog and Im sure people have already stopped reading this because its so insanley long. If you got to the end of this, congratulations-Im dont now. But Id love to hear your input!
XOXOX
Lauren Ashli

The 100 Day Challenge (Well, 112 day, lol)

Today is January 8th, 2011. I have decided not to finance my surgery, rather to go along with the insurance requirements and see what kind of weight I can shake off before then. The plan is to:
1) stay on a low-carb, high protien diet
2) drink 100 oz of water a day
3) get 1000 calories in a day
4) work out at least 4 days a week
5) Take 10,000 steps a day
6) Get dad's Wii over here
7) Buy a treadmill and weights?


Now, I HATE working out, so 4 days a week is a lot for me. But I guess that's why Im calling it a challenge I would like to lose 3 pounds a week ideally before May 1st. I dont know if that is doable, but Im going to give it a shot. I would just like to be 185 by May 1st and I will push myself as hard as I have to in order to get there.

I dont intend to have a life between now and then. I am $12,385 in debt right now. I will sign up for as much call as possible and scrimp and save whatever I can to pay off as much of that as I can in 112 days. I dont really have anything of worth to sell, but Ill try to get creative...

When I reach my goal I hope to do the following things:
1) Buy my new car

2)Wear something cute from the Victoria's Secret, "Pink" Collection

3)Start dating again

4)Go on my Cruise to Alaska

5)Start the Summer of Travel!

6)Get a boob job

7)Annoy my exes and people who never were because I was "close" to a "7-8" but not quite there cause of the weight

So here they are...the scary "before" pics. I REALLY hope I have something better and some progress up in 112 days. Or else I just posted these horrible pics for the world to see for nothing!!!

Thats all for today! GOOOOOO COOOLLLTTTSSSS!!!

Beginning Stats

Today is January 7th. I weigh 230 and have a BMI of 43.5. I dont exercise at all. My most activity is watching reality TV. I run around a lot birthin babies when work is busy but Im not sure that counts as "exercise". Im still pretty depressed over my breakup with Mike even though it was almost 4 months ago. However, I know I did the right thing taking myself out of a wrong situation. That doesnt mean I automatically quit loving him or the pain goes away. Im trying to live with the pain as much as possible and usually resort to sleeping 80 percent of the day to deal with the emptiness the break up has left me with. I hate myself for having such a low threshhold for heart break when I have such a high threshhold for other types of situational stress. I eat any potato I can get my hands on and am a fast-food addict. I drink diet Pepsi every day and not too much water. Im currently obsessed with watching House. I work as much as possible right now to pay for my surgery although I wish I could work less, travel more.

That being said, this is the 1st day I am not going to let my weight define me as a person. But either way, I figure I should start this process out with a few "Before" shots, embarassing as they may be.

This is Holly and I at Alandra's Christmas Program. Face is pretty cute. Its hard for me to find full body pics as I usually focus on that pretty face ;)

This is about the most uncomfortable I have been in ages. I am with my girl Sherri for her birthday and barley having any fun cause Im so obsessed with how "fat" I look.

And here is the pic that made me decide surgery is a must. The girls at work think I judge myself more harsh than other people do, but how I look in this picture is not the way I want to represent myself to the world.

That being said I suppose I should come up with some goals. I hate goals because I just feel like an asshole when I dont accomplish them. But with Lap Band being such a labor intensive tool I need to get in gear.

Goal 1) Drink 100 oz of water a day.

Goal 2) Protien and Veggies have to come first. I need to cut WAY back on the carbs and sugar

Goal 3) Bye Bye my beloved fast food/eating out :(

Goal 4)Find a way to fit exercise in

Goal 5)Work as much as possible to pay off this surgery by your 29th birthday

Goal 6)Keep trying to get over Mike. It feels weak to admit I still love him, but its something I struggle with daily. I havent made any contat with him so Im doing better than a lot of girls do in break ups, but I still miss him every day. The hope is when I love me more, I will begin to love him less. I guess.

Goal 7) Try to date. After losing 30 pounds. I know I said I wont let my weight control my life anymore and I want to start dating ASAP because Im BORED for one and I think it would help me get over Mike for two. However, Im just so uncomfortable with my body right now. I start to feel better about myself even around 200 pounds.

So thats it for now. I know I cant change all these behaviors in a day as I have done them for 28 years. In fact, as I type right now I have two baked poataoes in the microwave.

Feel free to leave comments or hit me up on Facebook where there are tons more pics.

facebook.com/laurenashely
XOXOXO
Lauren Ashli

Maybe this will help...Maybe not...

So Ive decided to write a blog. Will I write every day? Probably not. Will it help me sort out all the many feelings and non-feelings I have running through my head? Maybe, Maybe not.

At any rate, Ill start out with a hopefully short intro. Ill be 28 this month. Im single, I have no children. I own my own home and car. I am a labor/delivery nurse who works the night shift. Im an open book for the most part, incredibly sensative and emotional. Completley rational and totally irrational sometimes. I am in love with love and very confused as to how I am 28 and never held down a successful relationship for more than 6 month. Im working on changing that.

I love watching football, drinking margarittas, eating out with my friends, TRAVELING to new and exciting places. I get bored very easily and have a short attention span. Im a shopaholic and my main goal for the Lap Band Ill be getting placed next month is to help me fit into the Victoria's Secret "Pink" collection before I hit 30.

Ive always considered myself a pretty happy person. Ive always considered myself a pretty girl-from the boobs up. Below the boobs it was all a mess. I have a nice shape but its all hidden underneath all this flesh. I beat myself up everyday because o my weight. If someone cuts in front of me at Wal mart its not because they are a jerk. Its because Im fat.

That being said Ive done tons to compensate for my weight. I have gorgeous hair, invest in the best bras to have the most awesome cleavage, I get my nails and toe nails done weekly. I have a kick ass job as a labor/delivery nurse which helps me to pay all my bills and own my own home. Im incredibly driven in every other aspect of my life. Tell me I cant do something and Ill figure out how (In every aspect of my life other than my weight.)

Other than my weight Im not sure why I am so incredibly insecure. it could be because the one thing I have always wanted (to be in love and married) just hasnt happened for me yet. And its not due to lack of trying. I have a million ex boyfriends from all walks of life. Ive been in a billion short term relationships and always managed to be a self-fullfilling prophesy getting out of them before they could. I dont understand it but Im over it and have finally decided to seek help. I thought for years that I could do it on my own, but at near 30, Ive realized maybe an external source would help.

So Ive started seeing a therapist to work out my issues with my insecurity and Ive decided to get Lap-Band surgery to help me with my wieght issues. I know the therapist cant fix all my emotional baggage as I dont even know where it comes from. I know the surgery wont fix my weight problem as I read time and time and time again that it is simply a "tool" and I will still have to put in the work. But Im ready for a change. And while Im a little ashamed to ask for help, if the help actually works (fingers crossed) my only regret will be not asking for help sooner.