Friday, January 7, 2011

Maybe this will help...Maybe not...

So Ive decided to write a blog. Will I write every day? Probably not. Will it help me sort out all the many feelings and non-feelings I have running through my head? Maybe, Maybe not.

At any rate, Ill start out with a hopefully short intro. Ill be 28 this month. Im single, I have no children. I own my own home and car. I am a labor/delivery nurse who works the night shift. Im an open book for the most part, incredibly sensative and emotional. Completley rational and totally irrational sometimes. I am in love with love and very confused as to how I am 28 and never held down a successful relationship for more than 6 month. Im working on changing that.

I love watching football, drinking margarittas, eating out with my friends, TRAVELING to new and exciting places. I get bored very easily and have a short attention span. Im a shopaholic and my main goal for the Lap Band Ill be getting placed next month is to help me fit into the Victoria's Secret "Pink" collection before I hit 30.

Ive always considered myself a pretty happy person. Ive always considered myself a pretty girl-from the boobs up. Below the boobs it was all a mess. I have a nice shape but its all hidden underneath all this flesh. I beat myself up everyday because o my weight. If someone cuts in front of me at Wal mart its not because they are a jerk. Its because Im fat.

That being said Ive done tons to compensate for my weight. I have gorgeous hair, invest in the best bras to have the most awesome cleavage, I get my nails and toe nails done weekly. I have a kick ass job as a labor/delivery nurse which helps me to pay all my bills and own my own home. Im incredibly driven in every other aspect of my life. Tell me I cant do something and Ill figure out how (In every aspect of my life other than my weight.)

Other than my weight Im not sure why I am so incredibly insecure. it could be because the one thing I have always wanted (to be in love and married) just hasnt happened for me yet. And its not due to lack of trying. I have a million ex boyfriends from all walks of life. Ive been in a billion short term relationships and always managed to be a self-fullfilling prophesy getting out of them before they could. I dont understand it but Im over it and have finally decided to seek help. I thought for years that I could do it on my own, but at near 30, Ive realized maybe an external source would help.

So Ive started seeing a therapist to work out my issues with my insecurity and Ive decided to get Lap-Band surgery to help me with my wieght issues. I know the therapist cant fix all my emotional baggage as I dont even know where it comes from. I know the surgery wont fix my weight problem as I read time and time and time again that it is simply a "tool" and I will still have to put in the work. But Im ready for a change. And while Im a little ashamed to ask for help, if the help actually works (fingers crossed) my only regret will be not asking for help sooner.

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