*Surprise!!! Fat Girls Get Married Too!!*

Now...I know everyone has their issue...People have daddy issues, people have issues from being bullied, others suffer from depression or mental illness. However, I think all the issues some heavy people face could be a coined a mental illness all on their own.

I am one of those fat people.

Ive had 3 wonderful days off and two more to go. Ive spent those days primarily thinking and planning how to escape the vicious cycle of discontentment my life has become. I used to be a very happy very content girl with a wieght problem. Now my weight defines me and every thing I do or dont do to the point where it is almost a mental illness.

Although Im a tech junkie Ive just now ventured into the world of blogging, both reading and writing them. Being that I am researching getting a Lap Band of course I look up fellow bloggers who are living with the band and how their lives have or have not changed. A majority of bloggers (hell, actually I think ALL) of the blogs Ive read on my 3-day computer binge have been wrote by women. And as I go into each blog I am equally surprised when I few pages down I hear them refer to their "husband."

Excuse me? Their who??? All fat women dont sit at home watching House and waiting to drop 30 pounds before dating again??? Guys CAN love a fat chick? And the horrible mental illness (We'll call him "Insecurity" for short)pops up and says...Ok, they found a husband but who IS this guy who "settled" for a fat chick? Dont they realize their husbands settled for them? Or-if their husbands weren't settling, THEY had to be settling. This guy must be way below them. Or someone cheats. Or something.

Why cant I wrap my mind around the fact that it IS possible to be chubby AND happily married to your equal. A marriage where no one is "settling" but you both love each other and come from the same socioeconomic status? Why is that so hard for me to believe??? A lot of these girls are a good 20-30 pounds heavier than me too.

And Ive kind of noticed a difference. While reading these blogs most of these girls didnt mention their husbands until the 2nd or 3rd blog I read. And they just happened to mention the word "hubby". The blog wasnt even ABOUT the husband.These women clearly have other intrests besides being fat and finding a good man to love them "despite" their "deficiency". These women rely on their witty charm, their good hearts, and their sweet nature to form lasting relationships with the men they love.

Dont get me wrong, its not hard for me to get a man. Good Lord I have had more boyfriends than fingers and toes. Ive had a little more lovers than I have fingers, but not quite as many as fingers AND toes, haha. Whats funny is that I dont have a problem attracting men, rather, I have a problem keeping men.

Logic would dictate if they were attracted enough to me to ask for a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th date my weight couldnt bother them TOO much, yet when they break up with me-or rather I break up with them because they become emotionally unavailable ALL OF A SUDDEN-I always blame it on my weight. Now...there HAS to be another reason. But I ALWAYS blame it on them liking me but not being attracted to my tub of lard ass.

For some reason I cant get away from the theory that men cant be attracted to heavy women. Or at least a good man cant. Im not in the business of dating men who dont have their shit together. I want a man who knows how to work a debit card, pays a monthly rent or mortgage, drives a car without rust that is legally plated, and can hold an intelligent conversation. Finding a guy "below" these standards to love me is no problem.

Being fat makes me have the biggest inferiority problem Ive ever seen in my life. Honestly, I think it deserves a spot in the American Psychiatric Diagnostic book.
*Being fat means I have to drive the sexiest Mustang Convertible GT you've ever seen. (until I wrecked it last month).
*Being fat means I have to keep up religiously with my manicures and pedicures.
*Being fat means I shall never have "roots" and I will pay $130 bucks every 3 months for my hair stylist to painstakingly foil carmels, honeys, and platinum hightlights (spaggetti thin, mind you) through my thick, thick hair. *Being fat means spray tanning is not optional. I must have color.
*Being fat means I have to buy expensive clothes made specifically for a fat girl to look good and stylish. No jeans and t-shirt for this chick.
*Being fat means I have to smell good at all times. Being fat means I have to have a loaded pantry and bar at all times so I can cater to all my guests every whim.
*Being fat means i have to drink Fugi water and Starbucks coffee even though I am okay with the offbrands. But these cups and bottles "look" better in my hands.

There is SO much I do consiously and unconsiously to compensate for my weight problem because I see it as SUCH a deficiency in my soul. Just because I see it as a deficiency doesnt mean it is a deal breaker for men. But I MAKE it a deal breaker. And no, I NEVER discuss my weight with my boyfriends. Ever. They never mention it and neither do I. Yet somehow, the "wieght" is always to blame for me being lonely-not any deficiency in myself.

I am seriously one of the sweetest girls you will ever meet. I am a labor/delivery nurse. I make decent money. I own my own car and home. I am a Christan, a Republican, but VERY open to new world veiws and try to learn rather than debate. I have a good family and great friends. I am cultured, well-traveled, and damn it, despite all the weight, I dont think Im bad looking. Sometimes I think Im pretty hot. There is one reason a guy wouldnt love me and that is my weight. Yet...I let the weight and my massive insecurities about weight litterally rule my love life. I wish I knew how to stop that.

To all the "fat" girls who are happily married...How did you accomplish such a feat? Am I the only one who battles these insecurities SO intensley? How did everyone else manage to push them aside and marry someone and trust they love them? In my 28 years ive only met one man (who I felt met my "standards") who I felt loved me for who I was and didnt care about my weight. Not only did he "not care" but he was attracted to me no MATTER what I weighed. With most boyfriends I think they like me "despite" my weight problem because they see all my other good qualities. Mike made me feel like he loved me BECAUSE of my weight and he loved me even WITH all my insecurities and that my weight and my isecurities were a part of me and he loved that girl-insecurities and all. God I miss him. But that a whole other blog and Im sure people have already stopped reading this because its so insanley long. If you got to the end of this, congratulations-Im dont now. But Id love to hear your input!
XOXOX
Lauren Ashli