Monday, January 17, 2011

Does the Peeing and the Crying EVER stop???

O...M...G. I wonder HOW many times while writing this short blog I am going to have to pee. bottle of water in and I am peeing about every 7 minutes. While it's reassuring to know I have the world's greatest kidneys, some sleep or to be able to get to the next commercial of Sex and the City without running to the bathroom would be nice! This isnt just a mild annoyance. All the peeing from when I drink water instead of Diet Coke is seriously having a negative impact on my life. Has anyone else had this problem???

*I cant drink water at work because Im a labor/delivery nurse and I can barley find time to pee like a normal person-much less a human fountain.

*I cant drink water before bed because I need to get sleep and my bladder will wake me right up.

*I cant drink water if I want to be productive outside the house for any amount of time because Id spend more time looking for a bathroom than running errands!

So, basically, Im down to just drinking it while Im at home. And Im not making excuses. I dont even MIND drinking water. Im one of those weirdos who LIKES water. But the side effects almost take too much of a toll on my actual life. Im really trying to not make my LIFE about losing weight, rather to live a life and if I lose weight, its a positive side effect.

I make all of these weight loss goals then feel like shit when I dont lose weight. But I realized the other day I never succeed because in order to make my goals come true, I would have to change my whole entire life. And maybe thats exactly what I need to do. But who really has the strength to do that on their own? Who has the oomph to change everything about their lives to accomplish one goal? Am I weak because I just cant seem to do it???

Ive given up on financing this surgery on my own. I could affort it but just barley. And if I lose weight you better believe Im going to want that money to LIVE. And I would seriously be broke for about 5 years if I financed this. SO...Ill give the 6 months supervised diet a shot so my insurance will pay-but Im already mouring everything I wont be able to do this summer like I wanted to with the band.

And again, the fat girl metality shocks me. What cant I do this summer? Date? Go out and drink? Swim? Travel? Wear shorts? (Brb...gotta pee) Ok...Back. Drive around in my convertible? I can still DO all those things this summer but somewhere in my crazy warped fat girl mind I just know the summer is going to suck so bad because no matter how much I "commit" to this 6 months supervised diet, Ive never been able to lose weight on my own before, so I know this is going to be no different.

I know the band is not a magic wand. I know it will only work WITH me and not for me. Dont get me wrong, I realize its still up to me. But damn, just having a little bit of HELP would be nice. My body is so used to Adipex I barley even get a buzz off of it unless I drink a monster with it. And taking Topamax for weight loss? Yea...Not working.

I dont know how much of it is me sucking as a person and how much of it is missing Mike and wanting comfort. I wake up almost every night and just cry and cry and cry. Its ridiculous how bad I miss that man. I know there is nothing I can do to fix us so I do nothing. When I finally broke up with him I was able to tell him, "I love you so much and the only thing that makes me feel good about saying goodbye is knowing that I have done EVERYTHING possible to try to make us work." And I meant that. I did everything I could. I dont think you should ever give up on love if you are lucky enough to find it. Ever. With only one exception-if you love someone who wont fight back for you with that equal passion. And...I know he loved me. And I know he had major external factors that played against us. And...Im not a parent so maybe I dont understand, but I dont see any situation where I couldnt make it work...and if he didnt want to fight for us...I had no other option that to walk away. I dont regret my decision. I know I did the right thing. But DAMN...when is all the crying and the peeing going to STOP???

Gotta go. Work has been completley INSANE lately. I dont want to see a pregnant woman again for a week. But Im on call 11a-11p tomorrow and Im pretty sure this labor nurse is going to get her butt called in so I better get some sleep. Im enjoying reading everyone's blogs! I dont blog too much because I dont have anything profound to say...but I read everyone's and really enjoy it!

Have a good night everyone!
Lauren Ashli


  1. Nothing profound to say???? coulda fooled me. Its great to read whatever you put girl. I admire your independence and hope this next six months fly by for you (might help the breaking up issue too).
    I know what you mean about water. My problem is I get through half of my day and forget then I am drinking too much before bed......uh
    Hope you have a great day.

  2. Mike is a fucktard and you're better without him! any man that doesn't appreciate you isn't worthy of your presence girl! hopefully your band will help you start the process of loving yourself again. i am going through the same thing, so i know how you feel. surround yourself with your friends, focus on YOU. you seem like a people pleaser - maybe? maybe not? but either way, you have to be happy before you can truly be happy WITH anyone else. and you're far from happy, you've stated that. so once you get on that right path to loving YOU, the rest will fall into place!
    and YES, good men DO love us fatties! lol yours WILL come along! ;)