Thursday, January 13, 2011

So What Now?

I hate break ups. I hate break ups even more from someone who was supposed to be so significant in your life. I feel like such an ass because I just sit here and think..."What HAPPENED???" "How is this thing so easy for him?" Im usually SO intuitive. Ive broken up with SO many guys I really liked because i could just tell I wasnt "the one" for them. They wouldve never broken up with me on their own because they didnt realize it...but I did. So being so in tune with others and their slight changes in mood...looks...anything...How could I miss Mike falling out of love with me??? Of course he insists he does love me...but then where IS he? Clearly, this is over. I dont believe in people who say they love you but arent there. He could be here. Even though I left him, Im pretty sure he KNOWS he could be here. I told him to show up when he was ready to fight for us and my door has been empty for almost a month now. Not even a phone call...a txt...nothing. And this blog is ridiculous and not well written and...just words. Words so that I dont end up texting him.
What do you do when its over? What do you do with all of your time? I know Im supposed to "stay busy" and ususally I do and the distraction really does help. Ill give it credit for helping. but it only helps my head. It keeps my head busy so I dont think about him as much. But what do people do with their hearts? Even in the middle of the busiest shift in the world where my mind has NO room for him because Im popping out babies left and right, my heart still aches for him. My heart doesnt understand how you can walk away from someone after being so intimate with them. My heart wants to know why this is so easy. I want to know when everything changed. I want to know what I missed. I want to know so much.
With every other break up things were easier because I thought one day we would get back together...and we always did. This time, I know its over. This time, Im not going back. And his past behavior shows me he isnt going to to anything to come and get me. I dont understand why. I dont know how he can stand not knowing me. I dont understand how he can lose his best friend and lover all in one swoop and never look back.
I dont know what to do. I suppose I just get through day by day and wait for the feeling in the pit of my stomach to diminish. I know with time it will.
I dont miss him as much as I just wonder why he wouldnt make it work. I wonder how he goes on without me. I wonder how he made the choice to walk out. I can live without him. I can do this. I may even be happy. But the thought that he is doing this by choice and Im doing it because I dont have a choice is a constant struggle for me.
There is that song a heart doesnt break even. No. No it doesnt. I know the advice...stay busy, exercise, get a life, blah blah. Ill do all that. My mind will be busy. But my heart will still be empty. What the fuck am I going to do to fill my heart???