On A Mission to Find My Sparkle

So...Ive been heavy my whole life. And Ive been uncomfortable with it my whole life. But Ive always comforted myself with the fact that at least I had a spark behind my eyes and a genuine smile. Since the loss of Mike that spark is gone. The smile is fake. Now I feel like Im just a blob of fat without being able to say.."but I have spark." So...I gotta get that spark back.

One of my favorite pics I have of myself is actually a topless pic. Not to be graphic but in the pic Im over 200 pounds, probably 207-210 range so by far not small, only about 20 pounds smaller than I am right now. But what I like about it is that I actually have confidence behind my eyes. It was a picture Mike took one day when we were playing around, oddly enough, NOT even sexually, I just happened to be topless. I was just that comfortable with him. I want to be that comfortable again. I want that spark back. I want to be able to be happy without him. I was happy before I met him, I want to be able to be happy again.

Im finding I have a love/hate relationship with Adipex. While it works while its in my system, I crash from it hard and get more hungry than if I had never taken it before. And while the dry mouth is HORRIBLE, it does make me drink more water-but then Im in the bathroom every 5 minutes.

I had a big talk with my dad tonight. Dad has struggled with his weight all of his life too. His highest weight has ever been 212. Embarassing mine has been 232. His advice to me was pretty simple. Just keep trying. I hate myself for failing but there is nothing else to do besides keep trying. I dont really know what to write about because thats all I can do is keep trying. I havent really been trying. I dont really have a plan. Every time I have a plan I fail. My only plan right now is to quit sabotaging myself so hard core and to try to get back to the happy girl I was before I met Mike. I just dont know how to get back to her. But I know its NOT on the couch watching House all day long. So what Im going to do instead is a question mark. Working 3rds is a pain in the ass because I can stay busy until about 11pm then everyone wants to go to bed then Im up writing boring uninspired blogs cause I have nothing else to do for the rest of the night then I sleep through the day when people are up because I work tomorrow night!!! Grrrr

Onederland. 30 pounds. Next Drs appointment is in 17 days. Ive had so many unrealistic goals and so many failures I dont know what is an appropriate goal anymore. This break up has just fucked me up so much in all aspects of life I cant think straight. Ive gotta snap out of it!!! I have been sabataging myself so long. 30 pounds into Onderland seems so much and so little all at the same time. I think its the Topamax right now fucking with my frontal lobes. Thats right. I wanna lose wieght so much I take 100mg of Topamax a day but I dont lay off the carbs and get off the couch??? Odd.

And I just keep writing. Because Im speeding on Adipex...My brain is foggy on Topamax...and its 120am and Im wide awake with thirdshiftitis. I have nothing to say, no plan, no witty comments or pictures. But I do know I am going to do this. I am going to find my spark. I dont know HOW and for the 1st time Im going about it without a set plan. And I think thats OK. Because whats having a plan ever gotten me? 30 pounds heavier is what it has gotten me.

Im gonna do this. Im gonna find my spark again. Im going to lose this weight. Im going to be happy again. Im going to find someone who loves me as is. There ARE people out there who can love a heavy girl. Almost every blogger I read is involved in a romantic relationship. Mike loved me. It just didnt work.

I wish I knew what to do for the next 7 hours. Ugh 3rd shift sucks on my nights off. Too bad Im obsessed with my house being cleaned or I would clean but its already clean! Guess Ill start reading all your blogs!!!

XOXO
Lauren Ashli

If God Will Bring you to it...God Will Bring You Through It...

Im not really sure how many of you use faith, prayer, meditation...etc to get you through the bad days. I have always considered myself a faithful person, but not a religious person. I believe in God and have a personal relationship with Jesus and it helps me daily. But I dont go to church on Sundays or read the bible daily. I am sometimes convicted of this and other times I dont think about it at all. But while all my lifestyle choices may not be to God's liking, I do have faith in his promises.

And I say that to say this...I dont want to be a big negative Blogger so sometimes I stay off the scene when Im discouraged. And Ive been feeling discouraged a lot latley. No one likes a whiney Blogger. It just begs the question...."then why dont you DO something about it?!?!?"

But thats the thing I realized. I AM doing something about it. Its weird because in these months as I await approval from my insurance and I patronize the 6 month waiting period and feel like an asshole everytime I have a "Supervised weight loss" sesion, I have gained a ton of weight. And other things are going too. My highlights are getting white trash...my nails are grown out beyond belief. I have essentially NO color to me. I still havent unpacked from Arizona/Vegas. And as far as weight goes, Im pretty much on the anti-diet. I dont know if Im trying to "save up" good food or what. I dont know if my heart is broken so bad over Mike I just eat everything in site to compensate. I know Ive ALWAYS been heavy and its been almost 10 yrs Ive battled weight between 200 and 220. but Im not close to going over 230. And thats AFTER I decided to get the Lap Band. You would THINK one would put more of an effort into weight loss if they were going to get surgery!!! Did this happen to ANY one else???

As far as Mike goes I know I told everyone he was coming over so I feel I have to update you on that although there is not much I can talk about without sobbing so Ill try to make it short and sweet. He came over and for about 3 days we thought we could make it. We thought we would figure out a way around our main problem and just MAKE it work...thats what people in love do, right? But as the days went on we realized that is never going to happen. And right or wrong, he is too scared to change what needs to be done so we can be together. We cried for 4 days straight trying to get it together, trying to face that we were going to be without each other again because we cant be just friends so its almost an all or nothing. He actually landed himself in the ER with an anxiety attack when talking about it he became sweaty, clamming, heart rate of 130 and Blood pressure of 167/113. So...I know the man loves me and wants to make me happy...he does so much just to see me smile. But its taking a physical toll on his beautiful heart. I just dont think he is IN love with me anymore or he would do what needs to be done and we would figure out the details of the drama that would ensue as a result of that as they came along. I thought the break up was hard but seeing him go to the ER and sneaking in the system later and reading the report of how he felt was just heartbreaking. I thought breaking up was hard but physically watching a man who used to be SO in love with you just fall out of love with you-yet still TRY to love you and make you happy-is the hardest thing ever. He did everything right, but I could tell his heart wasnt in it anymore. He was doing it all for me, and not for him too. I physically WATCHED him go from being head over heels in love with me to just...loving me. And thats NOT going to motivate him to do what he needs to do.

I couldnt walk away though. I knew how horrible these last 2 months without him were and I wasnt about to inflict that type of pain on MYSELF like I did last time breaking up with him. So he walked out the door.

And the pain is incredible all over again but Im leaning on God to get me though. And I have faith he will. But I see some dark days in the near future. If any of you have faith please put me on your prayer list just for me not to lose hope. I know when you lose hope its the worst and I fear thats why Ive let myself TOTALLY go instead of just my weight. Like ive lost hope for Mike and I know I will never find a man who can complete me like he did so..all is lost in a way. What a Negative Nancy, I know.

And I KNOW I need to get motivated. I know it. I just dont know how. My only source of comfort right now is being lazy, watching House on my DVR with my faithful rice pack, and eating bad food. Being productive with a broken heart is hard. So hard. I just wanna baby myself right now. My brother wants to go have lunch and I hardly ever SEE my brother. But the thought of putting on make up and getting into jeans that are too tight and out of my yoga pants just does NOT seem cool right now.

WHAT A WHINER!!! Ugghhh...I hate when I sound all whiney. Even in my own blog where I am supposed to put my innermost thoughts and feelings I still beat myself up for feeling this way and admitting even to myself how lazy I can be.

So in struggling with laziness and heartache, maybe you guys have some personal stories. HOW did you get OUT of your stretchy forgiving yoga pants, OFF the couch, and back IN to life prior to surgery???

Love you guys! Ill try to post more frequently now with less bitching but it may be awhile. I tend to hold on to heartbreak longer than others for some dumb reason.

XOXO
Lauren Ashli

Cupid Must've been Drunk and Forgot me Yesterday

So...Valentines Day wasnt too horribly bad. After an almost 8 week hiatus of cold turkey no talking I gave in and txt Mike. I made it through Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve, my BIRTHDAY (for Gods sake!), and every single day in between I was strong, but on Valentine's Day, I break. Lol

I sent the sweetest most heartfelt 3 sentences in the history of litterature and recieved this reply: "Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetie."

Ugh.

And then the tears came. But they stopped pretty quickly because I had shiz to do. I had a Valentine's Party planned for work. We didnt have too many patients so a lot of the nurses got to stay home on low census, but the 5 of us who were there managed to REALLY get into the Valentines mood after I forced every one to start making Valentines Day cards. And the dress code I envoked that everyone hated, well, they ended up loving it.

People should trust me more.
Haha

I love these girls :)

Me and My Work BFFL Super Jen

Yummies

So theres a little sample. I do love Valentines Day. And I love all you!
Cant wait to read about all of your Valentines Days
XOXO
Lauren Ashli

Sooooo...

Mike is coming over in the morning.
Yup.

I Wont Be Bitter on Valentines Day...I Wont be Bitter on Valentines Day...I Wont be...Aw, F*ck it-Im a Little Bitter.

Hey Married Blogger friends!!!
I wouldnt read this blog unless you remember what it is like to be single on Valentines Day.

Actually, being single on Valentines Day isnt too bad at all. Ive been single on and off for most of my 20's. Ive been coupled up and single for Valentines Days and none of them have been too eventful. Then again, I'd never been in love before. So now, a Valentines Day "single" is not my problem. A Valentine's Day specifically without Mike is my problem. And...Im sure you are all sick of hearing about him. But Id get used to it. I dont see myself getting over this for quite a bit.


I actually LOOVEEE Valentine's Day. I am the QUEEN of pink and sparkle and hearts and love. Even single Ill plan dinners and drinks and cute outfits and give Valentines to every one I know. And this year I decided would be NO EXCEPTION. So Mike is gone...but life still goes on. So I planned the biggest, bestest, sparliest Valentine's Party my work girls has ever seen. I bough an obnoxious amount of Valentine's candy and decorations and was a control freak and gave all the girls a strict pink and heart dress code (which they hate, but they will do it for me. Love em.)

So here's the thing. I am a night shift Labor/Delivery nurse. Tonight I was "floated" over to the Pediatrics unit. I have a pretty easy assignment, just two babies with pnumonia. I didnt get any daytime sleep today in preperation of my 12 hour (7p-7a) shift so I expected to to fighting sleep the whole time. Instead of sleeping I spent a fun day with the new roomie shopping and cooking for my awesome Valentine's Day party at work tomorrow. But Im NOT fighting sleep. Im up...wide awake. With an anxiety stomach ache.

Im trying SO hard to not be a bitter Debbie Downer this Valentines Day. Im trying to not be that single girl who hates VDay. I LOVE IT. And Im more ANXIOUS than sad. I know Im not going to hear from Mike. I know Im not. I dont know why Im so anxious. But I know Im not going to get any sleep today. Whats with the anxiety? Shouldnt I just be SAD???

I dont know. I kinda wanna take a bath with my blowdryer rather than be without him today.

I know I have to get used to it and hopefully I get some credit for being a sparkly princess and throwing a party and making Vday cards for everyone...but this anxiety is really annoying me. I need a Valium or something. Good thing I work with all these Doctors. Lol.

Despite all that I hope all you married up people have a great VDay. Take this day to look at the man snoring next to you in bed and hold him so close. Fight the urge to be annoyed with him. Because there are some people, who as they remind you to hold him tight, are tearing up remembering when they used to hold the one they love and now they are nothing but a faint memory.

Happy VDAY everyone <3
XOXOXOXO
Lauren Ashli

Onederland...I Can Almost SMELL You!!!!

Onederland...A new term Ive learned since looking into Lap Band surgery.

I realize some people REALLY hate this term. For some reason, I actually kind of like it. It kind of motivates me. Funny thing though is that I am at my highest weight ever. I wish I had heard this saying when I was hovering in the 205-215 region.

Weight loss is such an odd psychological mind fuck. I am sitting at a number some bloggers I read call a goal (230). I read about people above 250 or 300 and they are so excited when they get down to 230 and I am so excited FOR them!!! So why then, cant I be happy with myself and begin losing weight? I mean, come on. 31 pounds to get into Onederland??? THATS NOT THAT MUCH! I look at what my fellow bloggers are doing and accomplishing to get into Onderland and they have a higher mountain than me. And they are doing FABULOUS! Again, maybe its because I dont have the band yet and I only started LOOKING at surgery because I cant (Dont) lose it on my own but really, in the grand scheme of things, 31 pounds is NOT that high of a mountain compared to a lot of other people.

And what really annoys me is this is the highest I have ever been. Last year at 207, it was only 8 pounds into Onederland...and I wasnt even dieting then! I was happy and in love and Mike loved me how I was and I was just...happy and living in the moment. And maybe thats key. Everyone's blogs I read they are way happy and in love and have children...Now I dont want kids! But a more settled down life with someone I love Ive been waiting for since I got out of the womb.

But really, Im very interesting in the psychology of weight loss. I OBSESS about my weight and clothes and health...OBSESS each and every hour of the day. Yet-I litterally do nothing to change it. In fact, as I sit here now I am contemplating what to eat for dinner because I havent ate all day. I kill my metabolism by being too busy or sleeping from working thirds...then I eat a huge meal. I dont get my water in. I never exercise. Even a small intervention like eating more through the day, a little more activity, drinking my water...Just ONE of those would drop some pounds. Imagine if I put my all in this and actually did it ALL? Cut all the carbs and sugar down to a minimum, drank my water, and worked out 3-4 times a week? Id be unstoppable. So why then, my dear Blogger friends, Is it that we obsess all day long to the point of writing a weight loss blog while eating Holiday Nerds and drinking Sunkist??? Nicole...Girl...i really hope you are right about the band helping because Im starting to feel like if I have no control without the band, I may be one of those assholes everyone is asking, "Um...Didnt you get weight loss surgery???"

On a different note, I was thinking about other goals of mine. Clearly, the "get Mike back" goal isnt going anywhere because I keep telling myself I broke up with him for a REASON. And it was a DAMN good reason. Its a something he can fix, not something he DID per se. Its a non-negotiable in my book. And he knows what it is. And its up to him. I refuse to pressure him. We've talked about it at so much length and I did all I could to deal with it and put up with everything and the only thing I like about our break up is I can honestly tell myself I did everything I could before walking away so the tears I cry every night are not my own doing like my weight is. Im just mourning the loss of an amazing man and the love of my life. So as far as goals go...I cant DO anything...he knows what he needs to change for us to be together and until he decides its worth it, all I can do is wait for him to show up on my doorstep and tell me he did it and he loves me and we can move on.

Or I can attempt to move on. Dont get me wrong, Im not waiting on Mike. I wouldnt be opposed to dating if someone ASKED. Back in the day, pre-Mike I ventured into online dating for a bit. It was interesting that I developed a handful of relationships in the two years I tried that, all non-fullfilling and short lived. But I met Mike in my real life. Hmmm. Its also interesting that all my goals tie into my weight. I thought about giving theonline dating thing a try again, if only just for a DISTRACTION. Not to fall in love but to have some fun. So I can get pretty and go out and have male company on a Friday night instead of sitting at home writing a blog, deciding what to eat, cleaning, and crying about Mike. Option one sounds much better. And if I meet someone special, thats just a bonus.

Yet it all comes back to weight. Im was scared my weight would be a deal-breaker when I was 205-210ish! Now Im 230! I have to be honest, a short man is a deal-breaker for me. Anything under 5-8 and I skip it totally. So I cant be upset if my weight is a deal breaker for them. Now...is weight a stat on Eharmony? No...And do I put real full-length recent pictures up? YES! However, this sounds weird, but Im scared I look better in pics that I do in person. For example, my last blog. I had a pic standing up and a pic sitting down. It looked like two different people!
Here is my most recent full-length from vacation 2 weeks ago in the mountains of Sedona.

Not too bad, but it does wonders what a hip twist will do for you. And pics can be so decieving! I am terrified of that look of disappointment on their face when they thought they were meeting the cute chubby chick from the pics and they end up meeting a whale! And maybe Im too hard on myself. Maybe we ALL have this weird body dysmorphic syndrome. Im not picking on myself, just being realistic to what I see in the mirror and pics that I HAVENT put a cute angle on or taken with my "good side."
Look at this horrible pic taken around the same time for my bday. I weight the EXACT same but the girl in this pic looks 50 pounds heavier!!!

So what do I DO??? Post the pics where I look giant and date the guy who contacts me "anyways"? Post the good pics and hope they are representaive to what I look like? My body image is so distorted I have no clue. THEN, I always worry about the guys who try to date fat chicks just because they think we "put out" easier. I know...easy solution-dont put out. But try telling that to a girl who rarley gets laid...and lovveesss sex, its not so super easy to just keep things platonic. Especially once the wine starts flowin ;)

Or, we have this 2/3rds pic where I smushed all my fat against the wall, haha

But I said all that to day this. Goal of getting over Mike or dating again somehow ive convinced myself cant be accomplished until I hit Onederland.

2nd goal-Buy a new Mustang. Thats not really a goal as much as waiting until Spring because no car payment is fun for now and I cant drive it in the snow anyways. But lets face it, my car was HOT...and it needs a hot momma driver behind the wheel. I feel like I have no reason to buy one until Im in Onederland! WHAT the H-E-L-L??? WHERE is that mentality coming from??? I knowyou guys are gonna call me crazy and I can do anything now that I can do 31 pounds from now, yet its a STRONG mentality I havent been able to break. Any one else suffer from this?

Next-Travel Nursing. Well, I have two things that keep me from this. 1st of all, I owe a 10 yr time commitment or 40k tuition reimbusement to the hospital I work at to have the freedom to travel. But lets say i worked all the money out. Traveling requires A LOT of confidence. Confidence in yourself and confidence in your skills. You have to be a people person and make friends easily. I do NOT make friends easily. Which is odd because I am the friendliest person in the world. Now...if someone reaches out to ME we will be BFF's in no time. I just am SO painfully shy, some people think Im stuck up or prefer to fly solo. And thats so not the case. Im damn near co-dependant on my friends and co-workers! Lol. God I love those girls. I feel like I need more confidence to make friends and in the feild I am in, labor/delivery, things can go to hell in a handbasket QUICK with the single grip of a cord and that baby needs out NOW and it takes teamwork like MAD. Thats why all of us are so close. We are LITTERALLY each other's lifelines!

Yet since I cant take MYSELF seriously cause my self esteem has been CRUSHED by repetedly failing at my goals of losing weight, I cant seem to believe doctors or co-workers in a new and ever-changing setting will take me seriously. So I need to lose weight to do that.

Speaking of making friends, I started following the BOOBS blog. It sounds like a total blast! Yet I get nervous doing things like that on my own because I just dont make friends easily! And I have no clue why! Im totally interested in meeting all of you and spending a weekend shopping and drinking and partying in Chi-Town! Its one of my favorite places and only 3 hours from home! Yet I get nervous about going into the situation not knowing anyone...anyone wanna be my BOOBs Buddy??? Lol

AND ITS ONLY 31 POUNDS!!! Holy crap! We arent talking 100 plus here!!! Will I be HAPPY at 199? Oh hell no. But Ill feel like Im a decent enough size to start dating again, hot enough to drive my dream car again, and confident enough to start traveling again. Its only 31 pounds for Gods sake. SO WHY THEN, WHY, I ASK YOU do I gain every day instead of lose? Why arent I even trying??? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM???

Okay ladies...If you made it this far, congrats. I cant believe it. Its just my babbling getting things out. I have loved reading your blogs and am learning SO much. I never knew people struggled like I do!!! You girls are amazing.

Much Love!!!
XOXOXO
Lauren Ashli

Wait...Did these Seats Get Smaller???

Okay guys...Sorry about the last pity party post. I have never, in my life, been so excited to start my period. God played an interesting game when he made me because he didnt give me horrible period cramps or back aches or bloating or acne or any of those other symptoms most women complain about when they are PMSing...But MAN, he gave me tears. Ive actually cried over a Pizza King commercial when I was 2 days pre=period before. Usually when I get over emotional I know its coming but the birthday vacay threw my dates off so I thought my Mike pity party was real. And it WAS, I do miss him so much and deal with a lot of hurt and confusion daily, but that sadness was EPIC. Im back to normal now.

On with life...So, I went to Vegas for my birthday. Actually, flew into Phoenix so we could take the sweet drive up the Red Rock mountains through Sedona and Flagstaff on to Vegas. Im an avid traveler and have always fit in a plane seat just fine. Yes, I have to unravel my belt the whole way, and the sides are tight, but not too bad. Well the FIRST thing I noticed about this flight is the sides PINCHED me! I almost didnt fit! Also, as I started to buckle the belt and was praying I didnt need an extender, it took an act of God to get the thing buckled. THAT was embarrassing. Now, only to myself, because I didnt end up needing assisitance, but man...that was the OPPOSITE of a NSV.

Pushing 230 I am at the highest weight of my life. I have never been "skinny" and havent been under 200 in years but something about that extra 20 pounds on a girl 5'1 makes SUCH a difference.

Before the vacation I made a quick trip to Michigan to a baby shower. Despite all the wieght I thought I managed to get it together and look decent at least. Not good, but at least not like a slob. My Michigan friends are so pretty and perfect and from the mold I wish I never had to leave. In fact, I blame a lot of my wieght gain on the major depression I went through when my dad moved a happy well-adjusted girl to another state at the prime of her life.

Has anyone else noticed a MAJOR difference between standing up and sitting down??? Here is me at the shower from the front view.

Not TOO super bad though...Kinda makes you think...Oh, who is that chubby chick? She looks okay if she would lose some weight, but not too bad.

Well, then I stumbled on THIS picture. Granted, it was a picture of the entire room and I just happened to see myself in the pic and crop myself out. But when I did, I actually cried.
Here we go.

And that would be....me???
Ugh. Yes. Sitting down I litterally look like a beached whale.

So, has anyone else been to the point where they got TWO good reality checks in one week, but STILL didnt do anything about their weight? I ead everyone else's blogs and they are doing SO good and they have all these little tips and tricks. Now, granted, most everyone I read already HAS the band, but with the band being a tool, not a magic wand, Im scared if I cant lose weight withOUT the band...how am I going to lose weight WITH it??? Im not doing anything good for myself right now and I dont know why. I cry about my weight yet its the ONE thing I can control and I DONT. Why not??????

Did anyone else continue to comfort themselves with food, no exercise, and Diet Coke galore all while crying about their weight??? Lol.

Food and Sleep are comfort for the pain...Exercise makes me wanna die. However, there are dozens of remedies for these excuses. I just need to be strong and push through. Where does this strength come from? Does it just COME one day???

Oh well, we'll see what happens. Thanks for listening to me bitch.
XOXO
Lauren Ashli

Heartache, Break ups, and Diets...Im not sure you can do this all at once...

Ok ladies...1st of all, I apologize Ive been off the scene for awhile. I just have had zero motivation. Not just in weight loss, in life in general. My birhday was a giant let down because somewhere in the back of my head I just knew Mike was going to call me...or send a card...or SOMEthing. I dont have hope too often when it comes to my romantic affairs due to not being a fan of the let down feeling. In fact, Mike is the only man Ive ever had the feeling of hope with. But alass, my birthday came and went without a word and its been hard dealing with the reality that he is gone. So hard really, that I dont want to HAVE a reality. Sleeping is the only time when Im not hurting over this whole thing so really my life has been too boring to blog about and I havent cared enough to get on and read every one elses. I hope to change that soon.

The snow is killing me too. The reality that I am here alone in all this snow is too much to bear. How do you let someone you "love" get stuck in the snow time and time again and never come rescue her? I used to not even be able to wipe my ASS without him needing to know all the details. Now he doesnt even check on me when the weather is so bad out. I couldve died by now for all he knows! Now granted, I havent called him when Ive been stuck. He doesnt know Ive needed his help. And luckily I am blessed with a good neighbor and police department to help me when I get stuck and havent been abandoned too long. But how does HE know that?

I know, its not his job anymore. I know its over and Im trying to get used to it. Its been almost 6 months since we broke up the 1st time and 7 weeks since we broke up the second. Its been 7 weeks since Ive spoken to the only man Ive ever been in love with. I love this man and I havent spoken to him in 7 weeks. How do other people DEAL with this? I dont even want to deal with it. My house is a total wreck. I havent seen anywhere but my couch and work in days. I LIVE in my yoga pants and tank top.

How do you just fall out of love with someone? I fell in love with Mike because of how in love he was with me. I started out not even attracted to the guy But his loyalty and love for me won me over. And one day he just decided it wasnt worth what he may lose and left like we never existed. I dont understand it. My heart breaks every single day. Sometimes every single hour. I miss him so much I dont know what to do.

Ive been so strong these past 7 weeks not contacting him. I havent said a word. No contact whatsoever. And some days its easier than others. Christmas was easier than my birthday. My birthday was the worst. And now, as Valentines Day appraoches the need to be strong and give in at the same time is suffocating. Im not getting anything done because Im concentrating so hard on just getting by without calling him. I know calling wont do any good in the long run yet its taking all my strength not to.

Its so weird how life works and how seasons change and things come full circle. On Valentines Day its been about a year since we met. And the closer I get to that day the harder it is for me. Not really because its a lovers holiday but its so hard knowing a year ago I thought Id met the love of my life and now, this year, Im sitting here crying and writing the worlds more depressing blog. But if I dont get it out SOME where, I know I will contact him. And that cant happen.

So ladies, Im still alive...havent forgotten you. While Im up today Im gonna catch up on everyones blogs. But honestly...sleep has been the only thing Im interested in latley. Sorry its so depressing. No weight loss news. Probably because I havent even tried. Like I said, all my strength is going towards trying to survive this break up. I keep hoping tomorrow will be better. It HAS to start getting better, right???

God I hope so.

What's the Point of Sparklies and Hooker Boots if They're Covered up in Fat???

So last night was my birthday. Okay...It wasnt my birthday. Yet. it was my mini celebration. I celebrate my birthday numerous times through out the two weeks surrounding my birthday and yesterday was the 1st of many.

I was super excited for a night out on the town and decided it was going to be sparkle night and I had this year and next year to still be a sparkle princess before turning 30 and officially being too old for that kind of behavior and hanging up the tiara.

1st order of business? Cinnomon Dolche Latte. Fully Loaded.

Because it was my birthday, I didnt even get the "skinny" version. And let me tell you. That drink is like heaven on earth. OMG. I wish I had the 500 calories a day and $5 a day to spend on it!

Second order of business was the sparkly pedicure. Even Barbi doesnt have cuter toesies. This picture doesnt really do it justice, but you may get the point.

And after buying the obligatory sparkly eyeshadow I threw on my gorgeous sparkly dress and transformed into the birthday princess I am. Oh...I was in such a good mood.

If only we had not broke out the camera.
I dont know what it is. I dont know why I am the oposite of most people. Most people DONT think they look good. Most people look in the mirror and DONT like what they see. I actually DO like what I see. Maybe I need 3-D mirrors. Because its only when I see PICTURES that I get SO depressed because I see what I ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE and HATE it.

Why do they even MAKE pretty sparkly dresses in 2x? Sorry for the pity party. Im just so frustrated. Sometimes I feel like I feel so hard and I just get NO where. But in all honesty I dont try THAT hard. I do try hard. But I dont try as hard as I could. It just feels like I try super hard because I am thinking about it every second of the day. but in reality, I am making more mistakes and excuses than I am making efforts. I am missing more meals than I am eating healhty meals. Id rather NOT eat than eat healthy. Id rather skip a meal than exercise. Still, its so discouraging to get so dressed up for the night and feel so good and then find out you look like THIS

And the full length version with the boots I was loving so much

Im bigger than my friend who is 6 months pregnant!!!
I know, this blog sounds like a big pity party. And I really AM sick of living my life as one big pity party. But, really, how does one be fat AND happy? Im reading a REALLY good blog of a girl who accomplished it and she is such an ispiration. She is too too cute! I wish I could be like her. And I am sometimes...I have accomplished quite a bit for a fat chick. I own my own home, drive a nice car, have a good carreer as a nurse, Im well traveled, Im super independant, and I can do anything I put my mind to (minus lose weight, apperently). I just get in these moods sometimes where i think being fat means...why even do anything?

Okay, Im babbling now. I guess in addition to all the birthday parties Im having this week you are all invited to my pity party!!! Hahahaha!!! OK! IM SNAPPING OUT OF IT NOW! I have a baby shower to go to and babies to deliver tonight. Being fat doesnt keep me from being a good friend and being there for my former roommate as she celebrates her impending new daughter and then I have patients to keep safe as they bring their new babies into the world!!!

*Seriously?!?!*

Dear Primary Care Provider,

Im sorry if I wasted your precious time waiting 30 days to see you, driving from out of town in an icy mess, and waiting in a freezing cold room 90 minutes past my appointment time. I didnt realize you could perform an assessment, formulate a cumulative treatment plan, and answer questions all within 90 seconds. My bad. Thanks for those 90 seconds of your brilliance. You'll be getting my $300 payment in the mail.

Your insignificant patient,

L.Wilson,RN

*Whew!* Just needed to blow off some steam. My physician totally made me feel about 2 feet tall today. For all of you who have navigated the super strict insurance world of trying to get approved for Lap Band, you know one small mistake or overlook can cost you months of set back time. And I had the nerve to try to make a cumulative visit to the doctor's office today.

My insurance is HARD to get to pay for lap band. And yes, Doctor, I realize I "qualify" on weight alone and you also think Im a fat ass and could benefit from surgery, but that doesnt mean insurance will agree with EITHER of us! Hell, if the only requirement was a BMI over 40, I wouldnt NEED your approval. All Id need was a scale!

Id appreciate it if you pulled your head out of your ass and gave me the time of day for 10 minutes. Ive been researching for over a month what my insurance requires of you...and it is more than you saying, "yah...she needs it." And I dont want to have to wait 30 days every time we need to tweek something because of consistant denials!!!

If you arent someone Im sleeping with it takes a lot to hurt my feelings. But congrats Primary Care Provider. You succeeded. If we werent already 2 months into the 6 months of "supervised wieght loss" I would dump your ass. And dont think I wont the second insurance approves me. You are clearly too busy and popular to be bothered by the likes of me anyways so apperently I am doing you a favor.

XXOXOX
Lauren Ashli

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Does the Peeing and the Crying EVER stop???

O...M...G. I wonder HOW many times while writing this short blog I am going to have to pee. Seriously...one bottle of water in and I am peeing about every 7 minutes. While it's reassuring to know I have the world's greatest kidneys, some sleep or to be able to get to the next commercial of Sex and the City without running to the bathroom would be nice! This isnt just a mild annoyance. All the peeing from when I drink water instead of Diet Coke is seriously having a negative impact on my life. Has anyone else had this problem???

*I cant drink water at work because Im a labor/delivery nurse and I can barley find time to pee like a normal person-much less a human fountain.

*I cant drink water before bed because I need to get sleep and my bladder will wake me right up.

*I cant drink water if I want to be productive outside the house for any amount of time because Id spend more time looking for a bathroom than running errands!

So, basically, Im down to just drinking it while Im at home. And Im not making excuses. I dont even MIND drinking water. Im one of those weirdos who LIKES water. But the side effects almost take too much of a toll on my actual life. Im really trying to not make my LIFE about losing weight, rather to live a life and if I lose weight, its a positive side effect.

I make all of these weight loss goals then feel like shit when I dont lose weight. But I realized the other day I never succeed because in order to make my goals come true, I would have to change my whole entire life. And maybe thats exactly what I need to do. But who really has the strength to do that on their own? Who has the oomph to change everything about their lives to accomplish one goal? Am I weak because I just cant seem to do it???

Ive given up on financing this surgery on my own. I could affort it but just barley. And if I lose weight you better believe Im going to want that money to LIVE. And I would seriously be broke for about 5 years if I financed this. SO...Ill give the 6 months supervised diet a shot so my insurance will pay-but Im already mouring everything I wont be able to do this summer like I wanted to with the band.

And again, the fat girl metality shocks me. What cant I do this summer? Date? Go out and drink? Swim? Travel? Wear shorts? (Brb...gotta pee) Ok...Back. Drive around in my convertible? I can still DO all those things this summer but somewhere in my crazy warped fat girl mind I just know the summer is going to suck so bad because no matter how much I "commit" to this 6 months supervised diet, Ive never been able to lose weight on my own before, so I know this is going to be no different.

I know the band is not a magic wand. I know it will only work WITH me and not for me. Dont get me wrong, I realize its still up to me. But damn, just having a little bit of HELP would be nice. My body is so used to Adipex I barley even get a buzz off of it unless I drink a monster with it. And taking Topamax for weight loss? Yea...Not working.

I dont know how much of it is me sucking as a person and how much of it is missing Mike and wanting comfort. I wake up almost every night and just cry and cry and cry. Its ridiculous how bad I miss that man. I know there is nothing I can do to fix us so I do nothing. When I finally broke up with him I was able to tell him, "I love you so much and the only thing that makes me feel good about saying goodbye is knowing that I have done EVERYTHING possible to try to make us work." And I meant that. I did everything I could. I dont think you should ever give up on love if you are lucky enough to find it. Ever. With only one exception-if you love someone who wont fight back for you with that equal passion. And...I know he loved me. And I know he had major external factors that played against us. And...Im not a parent so maybe I dont understand, but I dont see any situation where I couldnt make it work...and if he didnt want to fight for us...I had no other option that to walk away. I dont regret my decision. I know I did the right thing. But DAMN...when is all the crying and the peeing going to STOP???

Gotta go. Work has been completley INSANE lately. I dont want to see a pregnant woman again for a week. But Im on call 11a-11p tomorrow and Im pretty sure this labor nurse is going to get her butt called in so I better get some sleep. Im enjoying reading everyone's blogs! I dont blog too much because I dont have anything profound to say...but I read everyone's and really enjoy it!

Have a good night everyone!
XOXOXO
Lauren Ashli

So What Now?

I hate break ups. I hate break ups even more from someone who was supposed to be so significant in your life. I feel like such an ass because I just sit here and think..."What HAPPENED???" "How is this thing so easy for him?" Im usually SO intuitive. Ive broken up with SO many guys I really liked because i could just tell I wasnt "the one" for them. They wouldve never broken up with me on their own because they didnt realize it...but I did. So being so in tune with others and their slight changes in mood...looks...anything...How could I miss Mike falling out of love with me??? Of course he insists he does love me...but then where IS he? Clearly, this is over. I dont believe in people who say they love you but arent there. He could be here. Even though I left him, Im pretty sure he KNOWS he could be here. I told him to show up when he was ready to fight for us and my door has been empty for almost a month now. Not even a phone call...a txt...nothing. And this blog is ridiculous and not well written and...just words. Words so that I dont end up texting him.
What do you do when its over? What do you do with all of your time? I know Im supposed to "stay busy" and ususally I do and the distraction really does help. Ill give it credit for helping. but it only helps my head. It keeps my head busy so I dont think about him as much. But what do people do with their hearts? Even in the middle of the busiest shift in the world where my mind has NO room for him because Im popping out babies left and right, my heart still aches for him. My heart doesnt understand how you can walk away from someone after being so intimate with them. My heart wants to know why this is so easy. I want to know when everything changed. I want to know what I missed. I want to know so much.
With every other break up things were easier because I thought one day we would get back together...and we always did. This time, I know its over. This time, Im not going back. And his past behavior shows me he isnt going to to anything to come and get me. I dont understand why. I dont know how he can stand not knowing me. I dont understand how he can lose his best friend and lover all in one swoop and never look back.
I dont know what to do. I suppose I just get through day by day and wait for the feeling in the pit of my stomach to diminish. I know with time it will.
I dont miss him as much as I just wonder why he wouldnt make it work. I wonder how he goes on without me. I wonder how he made the choice to walk out. I can live without him. I can do this. I may even be happy. But the thought that he is doing this by choice and Im doing it because I dont have a choice is a constant struggle for me.
There is that song a heart doesnt break even. No. No it doesnt. I know the advice...stay busy, exercise, get a life, blah blah. Ill do all that. My mind will be busy. But my heart will still be empty. What the fuck am I going to do to fill my heart???

*Surprise!!! Fat Girls Get Married Too!!*

Now...I know everyone has their issue...People have daddy issues, people have issues from being bullied, others suffer from depression or mental illness. However, I think all the issues some heavy people face could be a coined a mental illness all on their own.

I am one of those fat people.

Ive had 3 wonderful days off and two more to go. Ive spent those days primarily thinking and planning how to escape the vicious cycle of discontentment my life has become. I used to be a very happy very content girl with a wieght problem. Now my weight defines me and every thing I do or dont do to the point where it is almost a mental illness.

Although Im a tech junkie Ive just now ventured into the world of blogging, both reading and writing them. Being that I am researching getting a Lap Band of course I look up fellow bloggers who are living with the band and how their lives have or have not changed. A majority of bloggers (hell, actually I think ALL) of the blogs Ive read on my 3-day computer binge have been wrote by women. And as I go into each blog I am equally surprised when I few pages down I hear them refer to their "husband."

Excuse me? Their who??? All fat women dont sit at home watching House and waiting to drop 30 pounds before dating again??? Guys CAN love a fat chick? And the horrible mental illness (We'll call him "Insecurity" for short)pops up and says...Ok, they found a husband but who IS this guy who "settled" for a fat chick? Dont they realize their husbands settled for them? Or-if their husbands weren't settling, THEY had to be settling. This guy must be way below them. Or someone cheats. Or something.

Why cant I wrap my mind around the fact that it IS possible to be chubby AND happily married to your equal. A marriage where no one is "settling" but you both love each other and come from the same socioeconomic status? Why is that so hard for me to believe??? A lot of these girls are a good 20-30 pounds heavier than me too.

And Ive kind of noticed a difference. While reading these blogs most of these girls didnt mention their husbands until the 2nd or 3rd blog I read. And they just happened to mention the word "hubby". The blog wasnt even ABOUT the husband.These women clearly have other intrests besides being fat and finding a good man to love them "despite" their "deficiency". These women rely on their witty charm, their good hearts, and their sweet nature to form lasting relationships with the men they love.

Dont get me wrong, its not hard for me to get a man. Good Lord I have had more boyfriends than fingers and toes. Ive had a little more lovers than I have fingers, but not quite as many as fingers AND toes, haha. Whats funny is that I dont have a problem attracting men, rather, I have a problem keeping men.

Logic would dictate if they were attracted enough to me to ask for a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th date my weight couldnt bother them TOO much, yet when they break up with me-or rather I break up with them because they become emotionally unavailable ALL OF A SUDDEN-I always blame it on my weight. Now...there HAS to be another reason. But I ALWAYS blame it on them liking me but not being attracted to my tub of lard ass.

For some reason I cant get away from the theory that men cant be attracted to heavy women. Or at least a good man cant. Im not in the business of dating men who dont have their shit together. I want a man who knows how to work a debit card, pays a monthly rent or mortgage, drives a car without rust that is legally plated, and can hold an intelligent conversation. Finding a guy "below" these standards to love me is no problem.

Being fat makes me have the biggest inferiority problem Ive ever seen in my life. Honestly, I think it deserves a spot in the American Psychiatric Diagnostic book.
*Being fat means I have to drive the sexiest Mustang Convertible GT you've ever seen. (until I wrecked it last month).
*Being fat means I have to keep up religiously with my manicures and pedicures.
*Being fat means I shall never have "roots" and I will pay $130 bucks every 3 months for my hair stylist to painstakingly foil carmels, honeys, and platinum hightlights (spaggetti thin, mind you) through my thick, thick hair. *Being fat means spray tanning is not optional. I must have color.
*Being fat means I have to buy expensive clothes made specifically for a fat girl to look good and stylish. No jeans and t-shirt for this chick.
*Being fat means I have to smell good at all times. Being fat means I have to have a loaded pantry and bar at all times so I can cater to all my guests every whim.
*Being fat means i have to drink Fugi water and Starbucks coffee even though I am okay with the offbrands. But these cups and bottles "look" better in my hands.

There is SO much I do consiously and unconsiously to compensate for my weight problem because I see it as SUCH a deficiency in my soul. Just because I see it as a deficiency doesnt mean it is a deal breaker for men. But I MAKE it a deal breaker. And no, I NEVER discuss my weight with my boyfriends. Ever. They never mention it and neither do I. Yet somehow, the "wieght" is always to blame for me being lonely-not any deficiency in myself.

I am seriously one of the sweetest girls you will ever meet. I am a labor/delivery nurse. I make decent money. I own my own car and home. I am a Christan, a Republican, but VERY open to new world veiws and try to learn rather than debate. I have a good family and great friends. I am cultured, well-traveled, and damn it, despite all the weight, I dont think Im bad looking. Sometimes I think Im pretty hot. There is one reason a guy wouldnt love me and that is my weight. Yet...I let the weight and my massive insecurities about weight litterally rule my love life. I wish I knew how to stop that.

To all the "fat" girls who are happily married...How did you accomplish such a feat? Am I the only one who battles these insecurities SO intensley? How did everyone else manage to push them aside and marry someone and trust they love them? In my 28 years ive only met one man (who I felt met my "standards") who I felt loved me for who I was and didnt care about my weight. Not only did he "not care" but he was attracted to me no MATTER what I weighed. With most boyfriends I think they like me "despite" my weight problem because they see all my other good qualities. Mike made me feel like he loved me BECAUSE of my weight and he loved me even WITH all my insecurities and that my weight and my isecurities were a part of me and he loved that girl-insecurities and all. God I miss him. But that a whole other blog and Im sure people have already stopped reading this because its so insanley long. If you got to the end of this, congratulations-Im dont now. But Id love to hear your input!
XOXOX
Lauren Ashli

The 100 Day Challenge (Well, 112 day, lol)

Today is January 8th, 2011. I have decided not to finance my surgery, rather to go along with the insurance requirements and see what kind of weight I can shake off before then. The plan is to:
1) stay on a low-carb, high protien diet
2) drink 100 oz of water a day
3) get 1000 calories in a day
4) work out at least 4 days a week
5) Take 10,000 steps a day
6) Get dad's Wii over here
7) Buy a treadmill and weights?


Now, I HATE working out, so 4 days a week is a lot for me. But I guess that's why Im calling it a challenge I would like to lose 3 pounds a week ideally before May 1st. I dont know if that is doable, but Im going to give it a shot. I would just like to be 185 by May 1st and I will push myself as hard as I have to in order to get there.

I dont intend to have a life between now and then. I am $12,385 in debt right now. I will sign up for as much call as possible and scrimp and save whatever I can to pay off as much of that as I can in 112 days. I dont really have anything of worth to sell, but Ill try to get creative...

When I reach my goal I hope to do the following things:
1) Buy my new car

2)Wear something cute from the Victoria's Secret, "Pink" Collection

3)Start dating again

4)Go on my Cruise to Alaska

5)Start the Summer of Travel!

6)Get a boob job

7)Annoy my exes and people who never were because I was "close" to a "7-8" but not quite there cause of the weight

So here they are...the scary "before" pics. I REALLY hope I have something better and some progress up in 112 days. Or else I just posted these horrible pics for the world to see for nothing!!!

Thats all for today! GOOOOOO COOOLLLTTTSSSS!!!

Beginning Stats

Today is January 7th. I weigh 230 and have a BMI of 43.5. I dont exercise at all. My most activity is watching reality TV. I run around a lot birthin babies when work is busy but Im not sure that counts as "exercise". Im still pretty depressed over my breakup with Mike even though it was almost 4 months ago. However, I know I did the right thing taking myself out of a wrong situation. That doesnt mean I automatically quit loving him or the pain goes away. Im trying to live with the pain as much as possible and usually resort to sleeping 80 percent of the day to deal with the emptiness the break up has left me with. I hate myself for having such a low threshhold for heart break when I have such a high threshhold for other types of situational stress. I eat any potato I can get my hands on and am a fast-food addict. I drink diet Pepsi every day and not too much water. Im currently obsessed with watching House. I work as much as possible right now to pay for my surgery although I wish I could work less, travel more.

That being said, this is the 1st day I am not going to let my weight define me as a person. But either way, I figure I should start this process out with a few "Before" shots, embarassing as they may be.

This is Holly and I at Alandra's Christmas Program. Face is pretty cute. Its hard for me to find full body pics as I usually focus on that pretty face ;)

This is about the most uncomfortable I have been in ages. I am with my girl Sherri for her birthday and barley having any fun cause Im so obsessed with how "fat" I look.

And here is the pic that made me decide surgery is a must. The girls at work think I judge myself more harsh than other people do, but how I look in this picture is not the way I want to represent myself to the world.

That being said I suppose I should come up with some goals. I hate goals because I just feel like an asshole when I dont accomplish them. But with Lap Band being such a labor intensive tool I need to get in gear.

Goal 1) Drink 100 oz of water a day.

Goal 2) Protien and Veggies have to come first. I need to cut WAY back on the carbs and sugar

Goal 3) Bye Bye my beloved fast food/eating out :(

Goal 4)Find a way to fit exercise in

Goal 5)Work as much as possible to pay off this surgery by your 29th birthday

Goal 6)Keep trying to get over Mike. It feels weak to admit I still love him, but its something I struggle with daily. I havent made any contat with him so Im doing better than a lot of girls do in break ups, but I still miss him every day. The hope is when I love me more, I will begin to love him less. I guess.

Goal 7) Try to date. After losing 30 pounds. I know I said I wont let my weight control my life anymore and I want to start dating ASAP because Im BORED for one and I think it would help me get over Mike for two. However, Im just so uncomfortable with my body right now. I start to feel better about myself even around 200 pounds.

So thats it for now. I know I cant change all these behaviors in a day as I have done them for 28 years. In fact, as I type right now I have two baked poataoes in the microwave.

Feel free to leave comments or hit me up on Facebook where there are tons more pics.

facebook.com/laurenashely
XOXOXO
Lauren Ashli

Maybe this will help...Maybe not...

So Ive decided to write a blog. Will I write every day? Probably not. Will it help me sort out all the many feelings and non-feelings I have running through my head? Maybe, Maybe not.

At any rate, Ill start out with a hopefully short intro. Ill be 28 this month. Im single, I have no children. I own my own home and car. I am a labor/delivery nurse who works the night shift. Im an open book for the most part, incredibly sensative and emotional. Completley rational and totally irrational sometimes. I am in love with love and very confused as to how I am 28 and never held down a successful relationship for more than 6 month. Im working on changing that.

I love watching football, drinking margarittas, eating out with my friends, TRAVELING to new and exciting places. I get bored very easily and have a short attention span. Im a shopaholic and my main goal for the Lap Band Ill be getting placed next month is to help me fit into the Victoria's Secret "Pink" collection before I hit 30.

Ive always considered myself a pretty happy person. Ive always considered myself a pretty girl-from the boobs up. Below the boobs it was all a mess. I have a nice shape but its all hidden underneath all this flesh. I beat myself up everyday because o my weight. If someone cuts in front of me at Wal mart its not because they are a jerk. Its because Im fat.

That being said Ive done tons to compensate for my weight. I have gorgeous hair, invest in the best bras to have the most awesome cleavage, I get my nails and toe nails done weekly. I have a kick ass job as a labor/delivery nurse which helps me to pay all my bills and own my own home. Im incredibly driven in every other aspect of my life. Tell me I cant do something and Ill figure out how (In every aspect of my life other than my weight.)

Other than my weight Im not sure why I am so incredibly insecure. it could be because the one thing I have always wanted (to be in love and married) just hasnt happened for me yet. And its not due to lack of trying. I have a million ex boyfriends from all walks of life. Ive been in a billion short term relationships and always managed to be a self-fullfilling prophesy getting out of them before they could. I dont understand it but Im over it and have finally decided to seek help. I thought for years that I could do it on my own, but at near 30, Ive realized maybe an external source would help.

So Ive started seeing a therapist to work out my issues with my insecurity and Ive decided to get Lap-Band surgery to help me with my wieght issues. I know the therapist cant fix all my emotional baggage as I dont even know where it comes from. I know the surgery wont fix my weight problem as I read time and time and time again that it is simply a "tool" and I will still have to put in the work. But Im ready for a change. And while Im a little ashamed to ask for help, if the help actually works (fingers crossed) my only regret will be not asking for help sooner.